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A thousand islands and no map

School starts very soon, and with that start comes a whole new flock of freshmen, fresh out of high school, eager and impressionable. I thought I'd try to give these new people a little advice to get them on their way.

One of the first things you have to look forward to is buying really expensive books. The best thing to do here is stay away from the school bookstore. I have no evidence for this, but I think they're communists. I think it's because the lines are so long that when you wait in them you start to feel like a Russian in line at McDonald's.

You wait and wait for something you think you want and need, but when you finally get there, it's really not that satisfying and the "secret sauce" you've heard so much about is just thousand island. Once they start giving us thousand island at the bookstore, we'll know they're commies for sure.

Just go to one of the bookstores that are not on campus. The lines are shorter, and you're giving this school enough money as it is.

One of the next things incoming freshmen face is whether or not to rush. There are a lot of people who don't like the idea of the greek scene at all, but I think it really offers a lot of psychological support during these stressful college times.

For example, the girls get to explore their "inner-child" by singing happy songs and clapping and making really neat-o puffy paint art on a wide variety of Tupperware products.

The guys get to do fun stuff too. They get to experience such things as house cleaning by nude pledges and the world famous "elephant walk." I'll let you figure out what that is on your own. It's not the kind of pleasant mental image that I try to promote here.

Let there be no confusion though - this is not hazing. Hazing is not allowed. This is just an outlet to express their long dormant latent homosexuality, and it's very healthy. Really. Bear in mind, though, not all fraternities resort to such degrading tactics.

If you're lucky enough to find one of the ones that does, though, grab hold, and don't let go. One, because they really like it, and two, because you're sure to have a sound emotional state for the rest of your life.

Students who don't partake in these ways still have the luxury of looking to the greeks like they're royalties. They all stick together and keep the gene pool nice and small until eventually they're all so inane and vapid that we can use them as coat racks and coffee tables and finally stop clear cutting our forests. They're environmental martyrs and should be revered and respected as such.

Finally, don't fill out the survey. You will be accosted at every turn by someone with a clipboard and a hard-on for Christ trying to sell you Jesus for a reasonable price. Don't get me wrong, I think Jesus was a pretty cool guy, but I just have a feeling he didn't carry around a little survey and crouch in the bushes waiting to pounce on impressionable young people and try to force his ideas down there throats.

These people are salesmen - well, more like pushers actually. They start by giving you the stuff for free, but it's not long before they start to ask for donations to their church. That's the same church paying them to stand out in the heat and get your name and phone number. They're making money off of Jesus. I think he'd be proud.

I've found the best way to deal with these people is as follows: when they ask you if you'd like to take their survey scream out, "I worship the Dark Lord!" then proceed to dance around them making goat noises until they fall to the ground in tears. Not only does it get them off your back, but it's great fun, too.

College can be difficult to adjust to, and many people rush out and cling to the first place where they feel wanted. Certain organizations on campus bank on this and put the pressure on as soon as possible. The clipboard cult stakes out the dorms, and it is no accident that rush happens the first weeks of school either.

My best advice is just to be patient and don't limit yourself. There are a lot of opportunities out there, but there is no map to guide you through. There are several religious options other than those that browbeat, hundreds of clubs to choose from, and you could even get a job if you really want one. Just remember, though, that unless you really like thousand island, I don't recommend working for the bookstore.