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Vibrations from the Outer Ring

Many people out there are under the impression that farts are funny. While on the outside they may appear to be so, let's take a closer look inside the magical world of breaking wind.

It is my belief that the thing about farts which people find to be funniest is the sound, but there is nothing funny about the vibration of a person's anal opening. People think that the louder a fart is the funnier it is, but the loudness merely depends on the speed of the gas that is flowing and the tightness of the muscles in the sphincter, and there is nothing funny about speed. Speed kills, my friends. Speed kills.

And where, dear children, do you think that vapor comes from, certainly not the land of warm laughter. Warm yes, laughter no.

It comes from air that we swallow and gas that seeps through our intestines from our precious life-giving blood. It comes from chemical reactions that occur in our guts, and it comes from bacteria that lives in those guts, uninvited, I might add.

So I ask you this: Is swallowing funny? I do it everyday without laughter. Is theft by seepage from our blood funny? My mother taught me better than that. Are the chemical reactions of our marvelously unique bodies funny? Yes. But there is nothing funny about bacteria.

And what about the composition of this infamous gas? Well, it varies, as though it can't make up its mind. You can't trust that, and without trust there is no funny.

The air that we swallow, particularly the oxygen, is absorbed by the body before it makes it to our intestines, and by the time it gets to our large intestine, it's mostly nitrogen. Those chemical reactions that I told you about can produce carbon dioxide, which can lead to bacteria, which can lead to hydrogen and methane. The proportion of these gases that leaves your anal hole can also vary on how much you eat, what you eat and how much air you swallow.

Nothing about any of that information is in the least bit funny except, of course, the aforementioned chemical reactions and how the word swallow can also mean a bird and how the word leaves can also mean leaves. But that's more of a funny strange.

Need I remind you that farts stink? Stink isn't funny, it's unfunny. That stink comes from hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole. I don't know what in the hell skatole is, but hydrogen sulfide is not funny. Maybe that's it, though. Maybe my lack of education is preventing my understanding of the hilarity of the fart. I don't know what skatole is, but for all I know, skatole could be the funniest damn thing in the world.

Is it true? Have I been oblivious to the true comedy that exists on this planet almost certainly proving the existence of a higher and more sophisticated being? Perhaps, perhaps. If so, then it is the bane of my existence.

Skatole. Skatole. SKATOLE!

The day I discover the meaning and true nature of skatole will be the proudest day of my life. It will be the day that I believe in a god, and in my euphoria, I will grab the hands of my brethren, cut one loose and laugh until I bust a gut. But wait ... without my guts, I can fart no more.

Curses! Foiled again! There is no God! There is no mercy! Damn you skatole! Damn you!

Zack Armstrong is a creative writing senior.

He can be reached at editor@wildcat.arizona.edu.