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Avoiding the almighty midterm

Wildcat File Photo Arizona Daily Wildcat Phil Villarreal

Don't think I can't see your face just because this is a newspaper.

Look into my eyes. The edges of your lips are slightly turned down. There are dark bags under your eyes. Your skin is a little pale.

Face it - you've got Midterm-itis.

Don't we all? And we, the students, aren't to blame. The professors run you into the ground with five weeks of boring lectures, and just as you're at the low point - BAM! They hit you with midterms.

Heed this advice, and your midterms will float by like gentle butterflies. You can smile and wave at them as they fly by. Or swat them down, if you like.

Tip 1: Cheat. The people next to you are probably smarter than you, anyway. More on this later.

Tip 2: Take drugs. They're known to "take the edge off" of stressful situations. If you take the right illegal substance, it might even screw up your brain enough to make you choose the right answers.

Tip 3: When your professor walks by to check and see if you're cheating, wink at him or her. I guarantee you that the professor won't come near you again for the rest of the exam, and possibly not the next one, either. (Note: If you happen to be a good-looking woman, you might even raise your grade by doing this.)

Tip 4: The answer to No. 4 on every test you take is C. Trust me.

Tip 5: When driving to school on the day of a test, try to get into an accident. Drive offensively. Try left on red. If you crash, you don't have to take the test that day. Hey math majors, try this equation: YOU + CAR ACCIDENT = A FEW EXTRA DAYS OF STUDYING TIME.

Tip 6: Some of you don't have cars, and I realize this. But that doesn't mean you can't get into a car accident. Run your bike into a car. Not only will you get into a car accident, but you'll also get more leverage on the sympathy angle, if you survive.

Tip 7: Pray. A lot. Go to church. Toss an extra nickel into the collection plate. It never hurts to have God on your side.

Tip 8: If you don't belong to any particular religion, don't worry about the praying. But that doesn't mean faith can't play a part in your midterm experience. Find a religious holiday that falls on your test day. With 10,000 organized religions in the world, there's bound to be one that has a sacred holiday on the same day as your Econ test.

Tip 9: Hire someone to take your test for you. While this is technically just another way of cheating, this particular technique gets singled out because it's so cool. You don't even have to go to the testing facility.

Tip 10: Bail out. You've still got until Friday to drop any class with a "W." No one ever said winners never quit. Or something like that.