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Why I'm voting Buchanan in 2000

I'm a college student, so, of course, I vote early, and I vote often. Thus, while perusing the headlines of Monday's paper, I was delighted to learn that Sunday night, in Tempe, four presidential hopefuls - I mean really, really hopefuls, but not much else - got together and debated the issues. How can George Bush be MIA when he's not even a veteran? What are the top 10 reasons all Democrats are going to hell? These are the important issues.

But, I missed it. Damn. That's okay, though, because the next time Sen. John McCain, Sen. Orrin Hatch, Steve Forbes and Alan Keyes all get together for a presidential party - Dec. 6 - G. Dubbya will be in attendance. (Apparently, he's never one to miss a party.) Then, what will they debate? I guess Republicans never get tired of using Democrats as party gags. Anyhow, does it matter? Does anyone care? I care not one bit what the substance of these debates might be because I have already made up my mind.

Hold your breath; I'm holding mine. I'm voting for Pat Buchanan. Am I a neo-Nazi, racist, fascist, any other type of "-ist" I may have missed? No. I am mad as hell. What do we do when we're outrageously upset? We, in a thoughtless fit of passion, do something incredibly stupid that will probably hurt ourselves and innocent others. If only Pat and his newfound campaign manager (those who already know that she's a black, lesbian, Communist can take a moment to giggle; those who just learned this can take a moment to ponder the surreal alliance) can convince enough people to swing their way, everything will succeed according to my plan. What plan? Don't know, don't have one. I just know that I'm mad as hell and I plan on taking out my anger on the American people.

I do, however, know why I am so angry. It seems that there is not one single candidate who, should he assume office, could actually execute his duties with any presidential panache. What's worse, nobody cares. Nobody seems to be bothered by the fact that little George Bush's only legitimate claim to fame, outside of the great state of Texas, is that his dad was once a sad and sorry president. Wait, he's bilingual! Nobody seems to care that Al Gore's most notable characteristic is his apparent lack of personality, that and he invented the Internet. I was born and raised in Arizona, I think I may have even voted for John McCain once before, but the only thing I could tell you about him is that not many Republicans seem to like him, and he drank his own urine while he was a POW in some place very far away. Outside of the state of New Hampshire, I doubt many people could tell you more. Bill Bradley, isn't he that NBA guy?

There are those who would blame Bill Clinton for this mess. Why twice did we elect this little-known philanderer, governor on the side, from Arkansas of all God-forsaken places? Does someone have an answer for me? Can't think of one? Well, therein lies the cause of and the answer to my problem. If you're going to vote, people, please, I beg you, think long and think hard about which candidate will receive your vote and why. If you can't come up with at least one good reason to cast your ballot for a particular - he isn't Bill Clinton does not count, and it's a moot point anyhow -then don't.

If you must, if you feel some moral compulsion to vote, then vote for Pat Buchanan. He won't win, but let's say by some sick fluke of nature he does. Then, maybe we'll all learn a good lesson. Besides, he's meeting with Al Sharpton this week. If that doesn't say he cares about the average American, I don't know what does.

So, in case you missed the well-articulated point of this rant, I'm voting for Pat Buchanan, because if I can't fix the system (isn't that why I'm a poli-sci major?) and no one else is willing to try, I'll do my damndest to break it! That's why I'm a poli-sci major.

Screw it; I'll just sleep in on election day.