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Here's a survey for you

Editor's Note: The following is a purely fictitious survey. The Arizona Daily Wildcat does not condone any illegal activity, including privacy violations, mentioned in this survey.

No matter which path you choose to get to your next class in this construction-ravaged campus, you'll have at least five surveys shoved into your face by some roustabout.

Some of the surveys are credit card applications, some are religious questionnaires.

All are annoying.

"Do you have just one minute to help me out?" they all ask - a vicious attempt to make you feel guilty for turning them down.

But today is the day that the tide turns against those merciless predators.

Below you will see a little survey that I made up for you to present to those who would ask you to fill out one of theirs.

Rip this survey out right now, fold it up and keep it in your back pocket. Grab a whole stack of Wildcats and do this over and over to build up reserves.

If someone asks you to fill out one of their surveys, tell them that you'd be glad to do so - as long as they have "just one minute" to fill out one of yours.

CAMPUS INTEREST SURVEY

PART I: General Information

Name: ________

Phone number: (___) ___-____

Time you would least like to answer the phone and be greeted by a loud, shrieking whistle: __:__

Social Security Number: ___-__-____

PART II: Financial/Religious Information

Checking account number: _________ at __________ bank.

I have $___,___,___.__ in my account.

PIN number: ____

Credit Card number: ___________

Credit limit: $___,___,___

Do you believe in God? (circle one) YES/NO

Do you think God would care if I took half of your money for "religious purposes?" (circle one) YES/NO/IT'S WORTH TRYING JUST TO FIND OUT

PART III: Home Information

Address: _________________

Specific directions to home: _________________

I own a (check next to appliance owned): __ cool laptop, __ DVD player, __ microwave, __ a hot stay-at-home girlfriend/boyfriend __ CD burner __ big-screen TV, __ other things that are valuable and easy to steal.

I am out of my house between the hours of __:__ and __:__ every day and unable to defend it against burglary at those times.

11. I DO/DO NOT (circle one) have a reliable alarm system and/or roommate the size of UA football lineman Joe Tafoya.

Signature (for forgery assistance purposes): _____________________________________________________

The purpose of this survey, of course, is to serve as a preemptive defense against your having to fill out any more annoying surveys.

The survey-distributing vulture will probably freak out once he or she reads it and run off screaming - never again to approach you with another survey.

And if the vulture is dumb enough to fill out this survey, then the fun has just begun.