Search

ARCHIVES
CONTACT US
WORLD NEWS

Field guide to the Student Recreation center

These days our friendly University of Arizona Student Recreation Center is packed with more students than ever. Because it's still January, most students' New Year's resolutions to "get back into shape" still haven't died down yet.

As a result, many who hadn't seen the inside of the rec. in months - or even years - are now pumping iron and running laps every day.

So, because of all the new faces and bodies, navigating the gym these days is almost like delving into an uncharted jungle.

Here's a guide to identifying the people you might see - before you decide to give up on the perfect body once again and revert to binge drinking.

Name: Gigantor

Description: Stands at least six feet tall, weighs at least 250 pounds and has muscles bulging out of every imaginable crevice of body.

Wears: Muscle shirts and way-too-small shorts. Sometimes throws on a sweat suit to cover up injection bruises.

Eats: Steroids, creatine and andro. And probably horses.

Exercises: Bench press, curls, squats.

Common quote: (He doesn't talk and is rumoredly illiterate, but if he did talk, he might say this): "You no work out with Gigantor. Gigantor using machine. Gigantor work out alone."

Name: Meaghan

Description: She stands anywhere from 5 foot 3 inches to 5 foot 7 inches; weighs anywhere from 105 to 139 pounds.

Wears: A sports bra and the shorts with "U of A" printed on the backside. And headphones, because the music playing over the rec. center loudspeakers isn't good enough for precious little Meaghan.

Eats: Lettuce, diet pills.

Exercises: Totally the treadmill.

Common quote: "Oh my God, Bethany, did you see that? My name was like so before hers on the treadmill sign-up sheet."

Name: Phil

Description: Stands under six feet tall and weighs between 150 and 190 pounds. Has a little gut and pretends to know everything about lifting weights correctly. He might also write a column for the student newspaper.

Wears: Shirt bearing his old high school football team logo (for which he rode the bench four years ago).

Eats: McDonald's, Taco Bell and Hot Pockets.

Exercises: Same as Gigantor, only Phil chooses to always try and lift at least 10 more pounds than God intended him to physically lift - driven by the irrational belief that Meaghan or one of her friends will notice him and be impressed.

Common quote: "Dude, I might need a spot on this set. But I know I can do at least two reps by myself."

Name: Scott

Description: He stands from 5 feet 10 inches to 6 feet 2 inches and weighs under 160 pounds. Is obsessed with basketball and plays constantly at the rec., even though he's got fewer skills than Josh Pastner.

Wears: A Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant No. 8 jersey, Nike shorts and Converse hightops.

Eats: The basketball itself, after it gets stuffed back into his face on every other shot he puts up.

Exercises: Plays basketball constantly. Rumor has it that if he ever tried to enter the weight room, he would fry like a vampire entering a church.

Common quote: "Pick me! Pick me! (Then he doesn't get picked) A'ight, man - I got next."