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More brewing at college than beer

Arizona Daily Wildcat

Renters at Jefferson Commons have decried the Tucson Police Department as acting in the spirit of Orwell's nightmarish novel, 1984, ruling with an iron fist and ruining college student weekends. This led me to peruse the newspaper for something to do on the weekends here in beautiful Tucson.

It seemed reasonable enough to me that there would be a plethora of opportunities open to me in the great American Southwest, but it appears that despite my westerly migration, I have stumbled into yet another College Laden Haven. It should be the aim of university students to abandon the droll beer-binge existence for more meaningful activities.

Many of you may query, "What is a College Laden Haven?" A CLH is an environment wherein there is little apart from immoral exercises in self-defilement and mass conflagrations in the names of alcoholism and "fun." The inquest I set before you is this: what else lies beyond the rim of your most cherished frosty mug in the mountain-trimmed paradise that we call home? True, alcohol is not a stranger to my system, but my liver has cried out for me to find other avenues of entertainment, as has my mind upon realizing the vapid nature of drinking.

There is, believe it or not, U of A students, more to life than the quest for the most delectable brew at the lowest price.

Granted, the search for alternative sources of amusement is more taxing and will never follow the norm in college, but any finds will certainly yield far more rewarding experiences. Furthermore, the mere pursuit of new sources of diversion will bear enjoyment in and of itself. The core element of this debate, however, is morality. It is a simple deduction that drinking en masse leads, most often, to malignancies. Attend a beer based brew-ha-ha. I challenge you to promulgate any other theme than one of fallen character.

Whether the wine is really talking is for the drinker to know and surrounding partiers to guess. The fact is, people use drinking as an excuse to act differently and that difference is not positive. A negative constitution is drawn out by the allure of not being "responsible." Hangovers are more commonly paired with blames on beer than remedies of Aspirin. A metamorphosis akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde takes place as men revert to barbarism, grabbing women and heralding the abilities to "down" an innumerable set of successive shots or shotgun watered-down hops.

Women produce yet another anomaly. Sober, many females claim to be of virgin natures and not as "sluts" or "whores." I would venture to say that the front set forth by these party demons is nothing but a shield. The temperament of the shield, and notice I have personified the beast, has two particular designs. One is to shield society from the ugliness of her true self and the other function is similar, but works on a personal level. These ladies have to lie to themselves in order to make their transgressions less emotionally straining immediately. All the while, however, a new person is being developed in the atmosphere of alcohol; to later become unstoppable for some, ending quite grisly for the numerous lost.

It is not my end in this composition to persuade any of you to necessarily turn away from your individual iniquities, but rather to note the flavorless life of alcohol. To spice an evening with a quiet Cosmopolitan Martini, I would argue, is fairly refined. To drown one's self in countless dregs of processed barley for the sole purpose of mental transformation is asinine. There must be a line drawn for the hoards of you who have not recognized the inane practice of drunkenness. To a degree, drinking is even good for your health, but in no medical journal is there a prescription for a 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best to parry heart disease.

Thus, the conclusion arises that for those who cannot do so responsibly, the right to drink should be suspended. Nights spent over toilets, a myriad of post-party excuses, panging headaches, regrettable "hookups," and, moreover, the death of one of the world's greatest ancient arts: chivalry. Gentleman, although you may wake up with the snag of the night and subsequently be championed by your backwards-hat-goon friends, the experience has been nothing more than masturbation. What is sex if there is no love involved? Ladies, this applies to you as well. In life there can be no greater existence than that spent with a perfect life partner.

There, then, friends, is the test. Set out this weekend and attempt to broaden your horizons positively. Learn who your drinking buddies actually are. Lay down the ping-pong balls, quarters, mugs, and shot glasses to find something better to do.