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Keeping the redcoats at bay

In Phoenix recently, a state House committee endorsed a resolution that would call for a Constitutional Convention meant to start the abolishment of the federal government. A list of reasons for this act was given along with the resolution. We could call for the Constitutional Convention if the federal government suspended the Constitution, if the president or the government attempts to institute martial law without state consent or if Clinton finally comes down to outlaw or take our guns.

All I can say is that it's about time, at least for that final reason anyway.

Reasons one and two seem a little unlikely and, quite frankly, downright unimportant. I don't care about them as long as I get to keep my guns. I love my guns. I need my guns.

The reason that the Constitution gives us this right in the first place is so we can form effective militias in case those damned redcoats come back. I've got to protect my homestead, all 300 square feet of it. Not to mention the fact that I have been banned by the YMCA - for reasons that I don't want to get in to - and my militia is the only place where I can get in touch with my masculinity and bond with my fellow men. I have an undeniable need to feel like a man. Being around other men helps me fulfill that need. Especially if those men have guns.

I have enjoyed the right to bear arms my entire life, and I don't know what I would do if I lost it now. The Constitution is the document that gave me this right. I have always believed that my right to bear arms is the only truly important item in the damn thing. As long as I have my guns to back me up, I'm as free as I want to be. I can regulate all the rest of those little freedoms if I have a .44 in my hand. For instance, if I'm pointing a gun in your face, I think that you will grant me the freedom to speak.

Besides, it's not like guns are all bad. I mean, it's not like you even have to shoot the things for them to be effective. I'll give you an example. I drove to Phoenix the other day and this guy was just poking along in the passing lane not passing anyone. So the only thing I could do was tailgate the guy until he got over. Well, he didn't get over, so I passed him on the right then cut him off. He didn't like that one bit and he pulled along next to me to demonstrate this fact with his middle finger. All I had to do was point my gun at him and he backed right off. I didn't have to shoot him or anything.

I used this same tactic earlier this morning. Some kids in my neighborhood decided to get up nice and early this morning and play outside my window. They were making all kinds of noise, but when I flashed my shotgun at them and fired a shot in the air they ran straight home. Let me tell you, I didn't hear another peep out of those kids and I slept until noon.

Firearms are also great for things like pest control. I eradicated the little pigeon problem in my neighborhood in a matter of weeks, and I can't tell you how fast I took care of that pesky cat infestation.

Clinton has had his eye on my firearms since he has been in office and it wouldn't surprise me at all if his last order of business was to try and take them all. He'll send the black helicopters - the ones that don't make any noise - and he'll take them in the night. He's probably making the order right now.

We have got to be ready. We have to band together and show our undying support of this resolution. I, for one, am ready to die for it. I will go to war to keep my guns - civil war. Brother against brother and all of that. And I'll beat him, too, because I know for a fact that I have at least four or five more guns than he does.

Zack Armstrong is a creative writing/American literature junior. He can be reached at editor@wildcat.arizona.edu.