Contact Us




The Arizona Daily Wildcat Online





News Sports Opinions Arts Classifieds

Friday November 17, 2000

Football site
Football site
UA Survivor
Pearl Jam


Police Beat


Alum site

AZ Student Media

KAMP Radio & TV


Dear God, is Tomey a goner?

By Bryan Rosenbaum

Arizona Daily Wildcat

God? God? Are you there?

Yes, my son, I haven't spoken to you in two months!

I apologize for that, God. It's just these editors..... I've been dying to ask you something - will Dick Tomey get fired?

Well, Bryan, dynasties must end sometime. Your school's football coach has done a good job....

....Excuse me, God. Dynasty?

Okay, that's a little bit over the top. But yes, all good things must come to an end. Only wait three more seasons, when Mr. Tomey's contract expires. Then he's gone. Then we might see someone who's really worth it. Perhaps Paul Hackett of USC. Or maybe Jerry DiNardo of the XFL.

That's the best replacement you could come up with? Those guys suck!

My son, such harsh language!

Oh, stop beating around the burning bush, God. Arizona and Dick Tomey are stuck with each other. Correct?

Yes. Deal with it.

Now wasn't that simple? Let's change topics. What are Arizona's chances in basketball this season?

I see the Wildcats winning the Maui Invitational next week and going far in March. How far, you ask? Let's just say farther than last year. They won't lose to any cheeseheads when it matters this year.

Can you send a message to Dick Vitale for me, God? Tell him to get off Duke's....

....It's already been done. I've also halted production of any more bald, one-eyed, obnoxious men who love basketball, if that means anything to you.

Thanks God...err, God. Did you know the UA women's hoops team plays BYU tomorrow?

Really? I should really do something about that...I'll be having a beer and watching that one from upstairs, you know, from the really cheap seats. Arizona will win by 30. Guaranteed.

Now it's time for word association - Los Angeles Clippers.

NBA 2007.

Tattoos in the NBA.

I've got some tatts, Bryan, I won't lie to you. I got the little tribal band around my amorphous right arm. Talk about the right hand of the father! I'll show you the other one when you get to heaven someday.

Is it the "Mighty Mouse" one that Damon Stoudamire has?

Well, yes.

How about Jay-Z's new album?

Well, that song "Big Pimpin'" got on this God's nerves, but I never heard the rest of the....

...No, God, Jay-Z has an even newer album.

Oh God no!

Yes. God, did you know that the weekly sports magazine for Oregon State is called Inside Beavers Sports?

That's just wrong, Bryan. God won't comment on that one.

God, why are you referring to yourself in third-person?

Because I'm the powerful, all-knowing....well, God. Nobody's better than me.