When you sit down this year to your Thanksgiving feast, I hope you aren't one of those poor souls that has nothing to be thankful for except the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes. There's plenty not to be thankful for: maybe you live in a dorm, or worse an all male dorm. Maybe you are one of the 40 percent of freshman that will flunk out this semester. Maybe you are one of the 5,000 students UAPD has caught with a green leafy substance. Maybe you just finished hell week for your fraternity and found that wearing the same pair of underwear for a week not only smells bad but creates a chemical bond between yourself and the elastic that isn't as easy to break as your big bro said it was. In any case, Thanksgiving is a time to forget the bad and be thankful for the good, so this is a list of things to be thankful about as a UA student.
Let's give a big thanks to the Greek system for changing its ways. According to Gamma Rules fraternities no longer allow late nights and underage drinking; the Greek system has become a pillar of integrity in our community. Never mind the stream of staggering girls heading back from frat row at three in the morning, never mind that Kappa Sig got away with making a scavenger hunt list with a objects such as a dildo, a girl in lingerie and a girl willing to strip, and never mind the bloody melee that insued last Saturday between Kappa Sig and Sig Ep.
We must all thank the guy who was working the deep fryer on that fateful fall morning when Louie's Lower Level was consumed in flames. No longer will the chicken fingers and teriyaki bowls insult our palettes.
Thank you Matt Bailey for trying so hard to give us a chance to relive our high school years. It just goes to show how shallow our student body is, that they don't want to rent a tuxedo, go to a dry party and dance to lame music. Matt, if Ben Graff and the rest of the Senate hadn't vetoed your prom, we would have surely voted you Fall Ball King.
Thank you Lute Olsen for putting together one hell of a team. He's already the highest paid state official, making nearly $600,000 dollars each year, but he deserves more. We should shave a few hundred off all the professors' salaries and give it to Lute. There's lots of professors, but only one Lute.
Before you reach for the gravy tomorrow, remember to give thanks for the city of Tucson. A few years ago it used to be easy to find a parking spot around campus, but that's no fun, so they put parking meters on every street that used to be free. The amount of oncampus parking tickets sky rocketed, but most students got used to it and either paid the fine, ripped up the ticket, or accidentally turned their windshield wipers on once they got in the car. Now the city plans to raise fines. A $15 fine in the past will now become a $26 fine and thank God. The student body was really sick of getting away with such a light fine. We welcome the extra fine. Parking on the side of the street should be a right reserved for the rich and letting a parking meter expire is a crime of the most grievous nature. In fact the city is still letting us off easy; repeat offenders should receive jail time.
Speaking of jail time, we cannot forget to thank the fine men and women who serve and protect us from thieves, drug addicts, skateboarders and Students Against Sweatshop members. When the Tucson Police Department got a call about a small SAS rally in front of the Administration building they came out in full force. At least forty bike cops created a perimeter around the building. With leather boots polished, guns loaded and pepper-spray safety caps released, the TPD dared students to cross the yellow tape. If the nightly rounds of the ghetto bird weren't enough to remind us that we live in a police state then the actions of the TPD on this day erased all shadows of doubt. Thank you TPD, all that bullshit they're teaching us about the freedom of speech was getting to our heads.
If you thought that cynicism and skepticism would ruin your Thanksgiving then think again. There are plenty of reasons to thank whoever you wish that you are a UA student.