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Attack of the Clones

By Zack Armstrong
Wednesday November 28, 2001

Zack Armstrong

WASHINGTON (CNN) - President Bush Monday criticized the creation of human embryos through cloning as "morally wrong" and "bad public policy," saying the procedure should not be allowed.

The bad public policy I can understand, but morally wrong? He might be my president, but he is certainly not my morality adviser. This, in addition to all of the "God Bless America" commercials that he's been ba-dah, ba-dah stuttering out, might lead one to the conclusion that Georgie Porgy's been having a hard time differentiating between church and state.

The Pope's the king of that. Are you moving in on the Pope's turf, George? All I'm saying is: Be careful. The Pope is a fair deal more wily than he looks, my friend. I'm not just talking the punch-punch-jab kind of fighting either. I'm talkin' 'bout Kung-fu! Seriously. The Pope knows Kung-fu.

George W. Bush, however, does not, and everyone knows that all fights for the position of morality leader are conducted mano y mano. Settle yer problems with yer fists, like a man. No handguns allowed. Sorry, George.

But on top of the fact that our fair president has no business telling us what's moral (that is what I was talking about), when he does it anyway, he's just plain wrong. The stem-cell research that could be done thanks to cloning could cure cancer and AIDS or maybe, just maybe, baldness. This would end an incredible amount of pain and suffering in the world, and that sounds pretty good to me.

The biggest argument I can find against it is that we shouldn't create life just to take life. That's all we're doing when we breed cows and chickens and stuff.

"But this ishuman life, Zack. Human life is special-er."

That may be, but the research is done at a time way before what most scientists agree is the time when life really begins. And these are real live scientists. Most people I know don't think that real life begins until after college. Ba-dum bum! Tssch! But seriously folks.

The procedure involves creating human embryos from which trained professionals extract stem cells, which are like transformer morphing cells that can grow into any cell in the body. This would allow for a limitless supply of cells that help immunity, thereby making sick people well.

As it stands now, these are the goals of the scientists who are making the advancements. They aren't a bunch of Dr. Moreaus creeping around on some island, making cat people. They are just a bunch of people that have dedicated their lives to making the rest of ours better.

But none of it matters anyway, really. While legislation from governments and condemnation from Popes and the like may impede the progression of this science, they will never be able to prevent its ultimate evolution. The steps will be taken, the advancements made and after that, a real live human clone will be made.

Science fiction becomes science fact.

That is, if it hasn't been done already. I went to this Weezer show over the weekend, and I'll be damned if I didn't see the same damn kid about a hundred times in that audience - and then I saw him up on stage. It was like being in a backwards "Where's Waldo" book. The little bastard was everywhere.

It was either that or like one of those really terrible sci-fi movies from the '50s - those class-B movies with terrible plot and dialogue that were only fueled by special effects that weren't that impressive anyway. They always had really terrible titles too, like "Night of the Zombies" or "Night of the Zombie Attack" or "Attack of the Clones."

Science fact becomes science fiction.

Another George, another problem - for the non-science fiction nerds in the audience, George Lucas, the creative force behind the "Star Wars" phenomena, decided that a good name for "Star Wars: Episode 2" would be "Attack of the Clones," which is even nerdy to nerds.


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