Illustration by Cody Angell

Football. War. America. Beer. Wise financial investments for the 21st century. Touchdown Rams. Six points for cola, tacos and wireless communications. This is driving excitement. This is the joy of checking in on our brave men and women overseas: no chips, no dip, but plenty of live ammunition.

Wave to the camera. Now stop. Now wave again. You, with the sign, up front. But lose the AK-47. Cheer wildly. Now stop.

You're gonna love the half-time show. Makes you feel real proud to be an American. Proud like Paul McCartney - now that's an American. We're all Americans here on Earth.

John: It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a log. I've always wanted to sing with a Beatle. I've always wanted this to be more than just a game. It's rock and roll. It's good vs. evil. It's our obligation to America.

And now it's any street in this great land. Now, the desolate block of Ground Zero. Beer, anyone? Clydesdales don't bow their heads in respect for you to not have a brew. Show some sympathy for our martyrs and drink up. Trust me, sobriety is the worst seat for the half-time show.

Flag down. Replay. Replay. Replay. Let's see that again. Yup, it's a touchdown. Hell of a game, this. Haven't seen one like it since 1965. Bombed the hell out of those bastards back then - man, I love the smell of freshly cut astroturf in the morning.

Orlando: On behalf of all of us back home, we want to thank you for protecting the nation, but mostly, for protecting the end zone because, I'll tell you, they're fighting like hell today. You sure make us proud.

Pat: A lot of us join you in being proud to be American.

John: Orlando Pace injured his knee last week.

Well, there's got to be casualties. Casualties are what give us pride. They give us pride, and Bono at halftime. Bono loves this country. He loves the arms of America, open and swallowing him whole. And every American loves Ireland. Every American secretly has a black leather jacket lined with an Irish flag.

In tribute, I painted the walls of my house black and inscribed upon them the name of every victim of Sept. 11 - in New York and the world at large. There were millions that day. I wrote their names in white paint and alphabetical order, and I got all the way up to the letter D. When the music crescendos, I'll symbolically demolish my house as the audience erupts in cheers and applause. They'll reach out for a handful of Bono. He's one of us, you know.

Commissioner Paul Tagliabu is one of us, too.

Pat: Here he is, next to his wife, Jan, enjoying an American soda.

Not one of our sponsors, Pat, so keep it on the low-down. You'd think he'd have the good sense to drink what Britney drinks. Oh well. At least it's an American soda. Ever had one of those Taliban colas? Bit on the crunchy side, but a perfect balance of sweetness and Anthrax.

Glitsy show, isn't it? Well, this game is far from over. During the break they removed the screaming fans and giant, pink heart from the grid-iron. Would've been murder on the referees, not to mention the camera angles. Too bad - the players love a challenge. They're warriors. Heroes, even. And have you seen them dance? The best ones do the most dancing. Let's check the stats:

Base command, over. I need field goal percentages and completion records, ASAP. Roger that, Control team, I got every branch of the military pulling up those stats, and a SEAL team running reconnaissance - over. Make it quick, Base command. I've got several million men waiting for those numbers, over. Loud and clear, Control team. Loud and clear.

Huh. So their quarterback's a dead-eye, but they don't have anything over our receivers. This is a match-up if there ever was one. Smoke break.

I hope that's not crack you're smoking.

Excuse me?

Bet you didn't know doing drugs may lead to funding terrorists.

Really?

Uh-huh. And that makes you decisively un-American. So put down those pills, joints and crack pipes, and raise your hand in salute!

Hail America!

I can't hear you.

Hail America - the bold and the free!

Atta-boy. You make me proud.

Proud to be American, sir?

Is there any other cause for pride?

The Patriots, sir. They've won!

Patriots always win, son. National loyalty's the winning team.

I wanna be with the winners!

I'll tell you how, boy. The first step in combating terrorism is to set up an on-line investing portfolio, get a new pair of pants and drink plenty of American soda ... It ain't cheap, but it's the least you can do for your country.