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By
Irene Hsiao
Arizona Daily
Wildcat
Wednesday Jan. 30, 2002
Playing
the dating game is tough.
How
can I impress her? What should I wear? What kind of music does he
like? Roses or chocolates? Movie or mini golf? Will Mom and Dad
approve? What will my friends think? Will it work out?
College
is the last breeding ground for young people to hook up before they
entering real world. When the honeymoon stage of couplehood ends,
it's time to get down to the nitty-gritty: your values, beliefs
and prejudices vs. theirs.
Who
is going to change?
Some
of those changes are nearly impossible. Your race. Your religion.
Or both.
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ERIC M. JUKELEVICS/Arizona Daily Wildcat
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"I worried about the marriage, not just the wedding
day," said practicing Catholic, Son Nguyen, about marrying
Lesley, left, who is Jewish.
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Son
Nguyen remembers the time he defended his Catholic roots while attending
services at a Jewish synagogue.
Another member of the Jewish congregation had approached the 1992
University of Arizona electrical engineering graduate about his
religion while he accompanied his then-girlfriend, Lesley. Son said
the woman was under the impression that religious conversion was
the standard choice for couples looking to tie the knot - because
she had converted to Judaism before marrying her husband.
"She
was surprised," he said about the woman. "It was her initial
assumption that I had converted."
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ERIC M. JUKELEVICS/Arizona Daily Wildcat
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Even while separated by 6,000 miles of land and ocean, Gillian Newell
and her fiancé, Emiliano Gallaga Murrieta, knew they had a
deep cultural connection despite growing up in different parts of
the world.
Gillian, who is part Dutch and part American, and Emiliano, who
is Mexican, say they believe racial categories are meaningless.
"We
don't care (if people stare at us)," Gillian said. "We
feel completely secure with each other."
Gillian said she especially does not understand the fuss about interracial
couples.
"Race
is a social construction," said Gillian, an anthropology graduate
student. "It's very subjective and used in rigid categories."
Playing the dating game is rough. Clashing personalities, interests
and attitudes could stop a relationship before it even starts.
But other pressing factors - such as religion and race - can work
to prevent two people from delving into a serious relationship.
Statistics show there has been an increase in interracial and interfaith
relationships during the past several decades, said Celestino Fernandez,
a UA sociology professor.
Surrounded by the "anything goes" atmosphere of a university
campus, the college experience may be the first time UA students
have found themselves encountering people of various backgrounds,
races and religions. Students meet people unlike themselves, they
flirt and then they date.
However, this time-honored ritual could easily be affected by how
your family, community or beliefs meld with those factors, which
could create happiness or heartache in the relationship.
"The
pressures are to marry into one's group, within one's own race,
religion or class," Fernandez said. "The norm is to marry
within one's own group."
In the stories that follow, the Wildcat has taken a closer look
at the dynamics of both the interracial and interfaith relationship
as constructed in a college setting. Exactly how accepted are these
types of relationships in today's "open-minded" society?
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ERIC M. JUKELEVICS/Arizona Daily Wildcat
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Robert Scoby, political science junior, and molecular
and cellular biology junior Sutopa Barua are an interracial
couple who have been dating for a year.
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Family
priorities
For some, the most difficult dating wall to break down is the one
that surrounds the idyllic morals possessed by their parents. But
as students can attest, the pressure to date someone of the "appropriate"
religion or race can be a difficult cross to bear - especially when
parents want their children to eventually marry within their own
racial group.
This difficulty rings true for molecular and cellular biology junior
Sutopa Barua, whose disagreement with her parents about her boyfriend
are not as simple as the ones confronted by Romeo and Juliet.
Sutopa is Bangladeshi, and her boyfriend of a year, political science
junior Robert Scoby, is black. Sutopa said her parents, whose marriage
was arranged for them in Bangladesh, frown upon dating in general.
"I
always have to lie to my parents," she said about dating someone
of a race other than her own. "It's just a huge culture shock
for them."
Both, however, think Sutopa's parents would have an easier time
if Robert were Bangladeshi or even Indian (Bangladesh is similar
to Indian culture).
"I
think they want the best for their child, like any mother or father
would, and I'm not acceptable," Robert said. "I swear
if it was someone from her nationality, they would be more open
to it, totally, totally. They would so be more open to it."
Dating within the same religious group is another concern for Sutopa's
parents, who eventually want her to marry an Indian or Bangladeshi
who is preferably Buddhist or Hindu and has a good education. Even
though they are aware of Sutopa's relationship with Robert, they
are not involved beyond that.
"How
does that make me feel? She can come to my house and joke with my
mom. I want to go to her house and joke with her mom," Robert
said. "It makes you stay up at night and wonder."
Robert also said the relationship's longevity could ultimately depend
on approval from Sutopa's parents.
"As
soon as I see that she's having the biggest problem with her parents
and her because of me, I will break up with her," he said.
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Illustration by Josh Hagler
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Sutopa counters Robert's view on family with her individuality.
"For
me, honestly, I don't think my family comes first. I'm still my
own person," she said. "Of course, my parents have had
more of an influence on me before than they do now."
In the end, the decision to forgo the wishes of Sutopa's parents
will be up to Robert and herself.
"That
hurts when I go home and I can tell my mom everything - and I know
(Sutopa) can't because of me," Robert said. "Family will
be there for her more than I ever will."
Right off the bat, Son and Lesley knew they had a religious connection.
Both are strong in their religious convictions and spent months
on end researching faith and religion in order to be more accepting
and tolerant of each other.
But this religious tie is spliced by one significant detail - Son
is Catholic and Lesley is Jewish.
The couple said acceptance of each other's religion was the deciding
factor for them to make their relationship permanent.
Before they got married in 2000, Son and Lesley, a teaching assistant
at the Tucson Jewish Community Center, spent nine months discussing,
researching and taking marriage preparation classes at their respective
places of worship. They took a weekend class at the Catholic Newman
Center and at the Tucson Jewish Community Center, which included
an interfaith marriage class.
"I
worried about the marriage, not just the wedding day," he said.
The couple's initial concerns about marriage were echoed in the
difficulty each partner faced when directly confronted with each
other's religion.
Lesley, who was formerly a Conservative Jew, now follows Reform
Judaism, so it would be more acceptable for her marry outside her
religion.
Son, whose parents are devout Catholics, attended a Conservative
Jewish service with Lesley because he was curious about the religion.
"I
felt awkward," he said. "I put on the yarmulke and I felt
different."
While the experience confirmed Son's loyalty to Catholicism, Lesley
was just as secure with her faith. But it wasn't until Son's father
emphasized how serious Catholicism was to their family that Lesley
realized the significance of her commitment to Son.
"He
wanted to make sure we knew what we were going through," she
said about the experience with Son's father, which reduced her to
tears.
"I
almost felt like they wanted to convert me."
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ERIC M. JUKELEVICS/Arizona Daily Wildcat
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Graduate students and engaged couple Emiliano Gallaga
Murrieta and Gillian Newell practice this past wekend
for a field hockey tournament at Himmel Park, 1000 N.
Tucson Boulevard. Field hockey is a national sport in
the Netherlands, the birthplace of Gillian.
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Community
acceptance
Looking at American history, interracial relationships were not
fully accepted until the last half of the 20th century.
A miscegenation law passed in 1865 after the Civil War banned blacks
and mulattoes from marrying whites. In 1931, the law added Hindus,
Malays, Mongolians and American Indians to the list of those who
could not marry whites. That law was finally declared unconstitutional
and repealed in 1962, said Jim Turner, an oral historian for the
Arizona Historical Society.
Society has come a long way since the days of miscegenation laws.
Today's generation of 20-somethings have lived in a politically
correct society where offensive racial and religious remarks are
subdued.
"People
tend to be very close-minded. Even if they seem liberal, they're
not," said Nita Umashankar.
The molecular and cellular biology and marketing junior said she
can read the disapproval from her peers in the Indian community
through their body language and the way they talk about her relationship
with her boyfriend, Andy Gulbis, who is white.
She knows some do not condone the relationship even if they never
directly say so. Instead, Nita receives expensive presents, cards
and e-mails from other college-aged Indian men.
"In
their minds, they don't see her ending up with me," said Andy,
a biochemistry junior.
That disregard for him was unsettling, but the strong bond between
Andy and Nita after two years makes it easier. He knows their relationship
can withstand other suitors.
"I
take it as a compliment," he said.
Even though they have made it over that hurdle, the duo must face
the attitudes of other college students and the Tucson community.
"We
still get that sometimes, 'Oh you guys are so cute, you guys going
out,'" Andy said. "It comes with that connotation 'Oh
you guys are so cute, but it's not something I would do.'"
Tucson has historically been tolerant of interracial marriages.
Hispanics have intermarried since the 1860s with the Northern Europeans.
White men tended to marry Mexican women because there were no women
who came out West with them. It also maintained or raised their
social status.
"It
was very natural because there wasn't much of a choice," Turner
said.
| 2000
- Interracial Couples |
Total Married Couples:
Total interracial married couples:
Black/White:
White/Other race:
Black/Other race: |
56,497
1,464
363
1,051
50 |
| 2000
- General Married Couples |
Total White Males:
Total Married White Males:
Total Black Males:
Total Married Black Males: |
86,443
51,888
11,687
5,005 |
Total White Females:
Total Married White Females:
Total Black Females:
Total Married Black Females: |
91,138
52,317
14,167
5,123 |
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-Source: U.S. Bureau of the Census
http:// www.census.gov
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Living in the same neighborhoods, the Mexicans and the Chinese intermarried
starting in the 1880s as well.
But at the same time, people can perceive the couple as unusual
or awkward, Nita added.
"A
lot of my friends would be petrified if they were racists or if
they thought they were; at the same time, they would never say anything,"
he said. "Maybe it's just society today."
Commitment
Although Long-lasting relationships between people of different
backgrounds can easily withstand the communities view of them, they
still have continuously changing relationship obstacles.
Gillian and Emiliano, an archeology graduate student, both credit
their upbringings and their fields of study in preparing them for
their adjustment to each other's cultures.
Gillian's father went to college in London and met her mother on
an archaeological dig in the Netherlands. Born and raised in the
Netherlands, Gillian went to college in New York for her undergraduate
years.
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ERIC M. JUKELEVICS/Arizona Daily Wildcat
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Andy Gulbis and Nita Umashankar have been dating for
two years. They continue to battle disapproval from
some members of the Indian community.
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The two met at an archeological dig in northern Mexico in 1996.
Gillian and Emiliano, who went to college in Mexico, applied to
graduate school at the UA together. Emiliano's family includes two
Americans and a Puerto Rican.
"The
idea of having an American girlfriend was not an issue," he
said.
The couple will wed in August in Mexico City and move to Mexico
after they graduate. They will don charros, which are Mexican cowboy
outfits. The back of Gillian's will be embroidered with the Dutch
lion, and Emiliano will have the Mexican imperial eagle, in honor
of each one's countries.
"The
only fear I have is Gillian not adapting to Mexico," he said.
"We don't need to prove ourselves to our communities."
For now, Son and Lesley have agreed to respect each other's major
holidays. Son takes some time off on Jewish holidays and goes to
the reformed synagogue with Lesley. She goes to church with Son
on Christmas and Easter.
Son said he believes that as long as they're both grounded in their
faiths, he and Lesley can have a successful marriage.
"My
fear is that in the future one of us isn't open to it anymore,"
he said.
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