By Tylor Brand
Illustration by Codey Angell
Arizona Daily Wildcat
September 12, 2002
Happy tax day!
Now, I know you're thinking, "Someone take the paint thinner away from Tylor. April 15 is eight months away!" Listen and rejoice: Tax day is the only holiday you can observe all 365 days of the year, and there are no set agendas like with, say, Christmas (i.e. presents, guilt, alcoholism and ritual poultry sacrifice). Tax day is whatever you make of it!
But the best part of tax day is the feeling of altruism (comparative to that of how a carcass feels toward vultures) during the work day when you're cheerfully thinking, "Unkie Sam, you might largely ignore me if I'm lucky, but even so, I'm going to give you 40 percent of what I earn so you can fund hoop barns (whatever those are, but they do get our money) or pay for the maintenance of Jimmy Carter, which is probably pretty high since he's been shooting his mouth off so much lately. I know you'll use it to wipe your ever-expanding bureaucratic buttocks, but since you know what's best, I'll gladly pay ÷ so as not to end up fleeing IRS hounds through snake-laden areas." While some party poopers might refer to coerced working for another as "slavery," or taking money that doesn't belong to you as "theft," just remember, you elect these people, whether you want them lording over you or not, and that makes these things OK!
And with this cheery thought stinking up your mind, you go about your daily duties, happy to give your chunk and anticipating the holiday second only to Christmas: the day your tax refund comes back. The sight of all the family swarming around to see whether you can afford a cheeseburger with the extra money that your Uncle Sam decided he didn't need warms the heart, or bowel ÷ something in that region ÷ at least until next week, when you pay him back at the gas station to the tune of 40 cents a gallon.
Sadly, though, tax day could be considered a discriminatory holiday. You see, while we all get to join the party, businesses aren't allowed to celebrate the same way since they don't pay taxes. "But Tylor," you say, "they pay scads of taxes ÷ you can see it when you open your bills!" Alas, dear friend, this is misleading. Unkie Sam tries to make you think they're in on the fun, but really, when he gives a tax to them, they don't pay it; it's just another drop in the barrel for us! Just look at this electric bill I've been fortunate enough to get today. Aside from the comical and obviously playful charges like "competition transition," "billing" (we pay to bill ourselves ÷ good one!) and "grooming," we see city, state, ACC and RUCO assessment fees (likely a charge to pay off the money the executives lost gambling on rooster fights last month). Now these are taxes on the company, but don't let this obvious ploy trick you, wary taxpayer. Just think: Who's actually paying this? I'd suggest not paying them and letting business into the game, but if you do this, they tend to get grumpy and, being bargaining people, will remove some non-vital limbs instead.
Fortunately for us, our masters in Washington love this game just as much as we do and are constantly tossing more taxes our way. Certain dear people, particularly of the "Paternalism Rules" party (commonly referred to as Democrats), are happiest to do this for us, and in many cases get more pleasure out of nothing else, except maybe pulling the wings off of flies or jabbing puppies with pointed sticks. So they play along too, with more regulations, more fees, more agencies, more taxes! Don't you feel special?
So, good people, take today to celebrate, and tomorrow, too, since you know that you're doing your part to help fund this great state of bureaucratic middle mismanagement and waste.
Here's a great tax day game for everyone: First, sit down and think of what your tax dollars have done for you recently.
Next, think of what your tax dollars have done for someone else recently, like Enron for example.
And finally, think of what your money could have done for you if you hadn't given over 40 percent of it to your favorite forced charity: Congress.