Bush to speak to grads via Jumbotron

By Bate Nutcheck
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, April 1, 2004

Prez changes mind, will speak at graduation through campaign ad

The White House announced yesterday that President Bush has changed his mind and will speak at the UA's commencement ceremony on May 15.

However, to bypass security concerns, Bush will not physically visit the UA and will speak via the Jumbotron at the north end of Arizona Stadium.

While Bush said he probably wouldn't record a message specifically for the UA, he is already brainstorming ideas about what he could show on "the big movie screen."

"I might show one of my campaign videos; I approve of those messages. Or show some video of me landing that jet. Man, I looked super cool. That's inspirational," Bush said while pretending his hands were guns. "Boom, boom, boom! Dreams do come true when you're the most powerful man in the world."

Many professors and students were concerned that the speech might give Bush an advantage in the upcoming presidential election.

"That's ridiculous," said president of the College Republicans Pete Cedar. "Bush will keep politics out of his speech. His campaign commercials all vaguely mention the future, and that's what graduates want to hear about. He'll talk about how he's led the country to victory over the powerful Iraqis and about how a Democrat would ruin the economic progress of companies like Haliburton."

Bush also said he may treat the UA to his home videos.

"Mom shot some videos of me on Halloween, dressed up like Ashton Kutcher. We trick-or-treated around the White House. Rumsfeld was there, but he gave out those orange and black taffies that look like they're from the '70s and taste like turds. Those are the real weapons of mass destruction."

Students remained optimistic about the ceremony.

"While I don't support Bush, maybe he can talk about how someone fails over and over again in business, does a shitload of coke, raises some floozy daughters and still manages to become president," said engineering sophomore Kelly McIntyre.

Since President Peter Likins already invited UA alumnus and mediocre basketball player Steve Kerr, the athletics department plans to put together a highlight reel to present on the movie screen that will showcase 3-pointers and Kerr's nastiest breakaway layups.

"We'll throw some rap music on there, too. The kids love that shiznit, and it's got a nice beat you can snap your fingers to," Likins said.