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'Constantine' is hell to watch

Photo Courtesy of WARNER BROS.
"Constantine" - Keanu Reeves has new powers and new decisions to ponder in "Constantine." He might be thinking, "Why did I choose this role?" or, "Why isn't there a label on my wine bottle?"
By Celeste Meiffren
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, February 24, 2005
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Constantine: 3/10

Keanu Reeves. What a striking career he has had. He's been the lead in a grand total of three good movies: "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure," "My Own Private Idaho" and "The Matrix" (the first one only).

The first two were made around the time that Keanu hit stardom puberty, which occurred right after "Point Break." It's uncertain whether or not he has fully recovered from that. He probably still has some traces of it, some acne pockmarks, some snarly pubes.

The point is: Why do people expect Keanu to make good movie choices? There is no evidence that he does. He has a pretty face, granted, but not pretty enough to pay $9 for another piece of shit movie. He's no Johnny Depp, Ben Affleck or David Hasselhoff.

"Constantine" joins the stack of Keanu's mediocre-at-best collection of films, along with "Walk in the Clouds," "Johnny Mnemonic," "Speed" and basically every single other movie he's ever been in. The difference being that "Constantine" is a computer-graphed doozy!

Keanu plays John Constantine, a character created in the "Hellblazer" comic book, penned by Kevin Brodbin. Constantine is a "supernatural detective" who tries to keep the balance between good and evil by performing different tasks, like eradicating evil spirits and demons and trying to keep self-righteous angels at bay. He has been to hell and back, and has the ability to see things normal human beings cannot.

Furthermore, Constantine is diagnosed with severe lung cancer (from smoking), so he only has a limited amount of time left on earth. He is trying to get his soul into heaven because he committed suicide once, went to hell and came back. So, he's destined for hell again unless he can prove that he's worthy of heaven. That's why he does what he does. What a selfish asshole.

He encounters a police detective Angela Dodson (Rachel Weisz) who is solving the mystery of her twin sister's suicide. Angela believes that the suicide was somehow a homicide, even though there are security cameras showing her sister jump off of a building alone. Perhaps it's the work of some evil demons? Totally a logical conclusion, no?

Well needless to say, Constantine falls for her. At the same time, the balance between good and evil is about to be tipped.

So Constantine and Angela get wrapped up in a series of unfortunate events involving demons and angels and insects. The ah-ha moment at the end is not very mind-blowing. But, there will be no spoilers in this review.

The basic plot was replaced by computer graphics. There are too many plot holes to count, and the character arcs are clichéd and uninteresting. And the acting? Oh God, the acting is so bad.

Plus, the movie reads like a really intense anti-smoking public service announcement. It was all bad, save one thing: Shia LaBeouf (the main guy from "Holes"). He was the comic relief, and he was actually funny. He sure brought home la beouf. ZING!

Keanu Reeves needs to take a break - not a "Point Break" mind you, just a regular one. Maybe after said break he can be in a movie that does not rely entirely on computer graphics and shaky plots. Fingers crossed.

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