Celebrity Briefs

By Susan Bonicillo
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, October 6, 2005

Conan to host world's most self-righteous singer

Tonight, the show "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (quite frankly, one of the best things on during the twilight hours, ranked right up there with "Blind Date" and reruns of "MASH") will host the rock group U2 as its sole guest for the night.

The band will perform three songs and undergo an interview by the world's funniest 6-foot-3 redhead. Here's hoping Conan will whip out his overpoweringly sexy string-bikini dance for the Edge.

The entire night promises to be a little too Irish for its own good.

Another thing interesting to note about this appearance is that Bono is up for a Nobel Peace Prize this year, and the winner will be announced tomorrow. He's a favorite pick for many, which may make him the first Nobel Prize winner to accept the award in ill-fitting leather pants and sunglasses that are so hip it hurts.

Hurray, his boys can swim! I always knew you had it in you, Tom

In what may be the world's biggest midlife crisis, 43-year-old Tom Cruise continues in his "love affair" with spring chicken Katie Holmes, all of 27 years of age.

However, there's been a new kink thrown into this relationship, and it doesn't involve using Oprah's furniture as a gymnastics studio.

The female half of the world-famous celebrity couple known as Tom-Kat is preggers. Up the duff. Knocked up. About to sue Trojan. Getting married by way of the bumpy route, if you know what I'm saying.

All euphemisms aside, the former "Dawson's Creek" star Katie Holmes will be giving Tom Cruise his first biological child, according to Cruise's publicist. Cruise has two adopted children with former wife Nicole Kidman.

It is not yet known when Holmes will be delivering, but rest assured there will be some sort of Scientological ritual involved somehow; probably involving divining your numerology figure and giving away huge sums of money.

A December-May romance such as this only reiterates the old adage that you're only as old as you feel.

Planet Xena and its orbiting moon Gabrielle

A group of very lonely (well, that fact goes without saying) astronomers in Hawaii claim to have discovered the existence of a 10th planet in our solar system.

The stargazers have decided on the moniker Xena for the planet after the statuesque, blue-eyed heroine from the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess."

Conveniently enough, the astronomers have also discovered an orbiting moon, which they will name Gabrielle, just to ensure their status as the biggest dorks in the world. (For those not in the know, Gabrielle was Xena's ever-valiant hottie sidekick and possible lesbian lover. The subtext is there, just look for it).

What's next in the astronomy world? Will we be finding other celestial bodies and name them after the cheesy stars of syndicated television fame?

Will we have the Brady Bunch-es of Asteroid Belt? Or the Quantum Leap-ing Comet? Just as long as there's some reference to MacGyver, I think I'll be happy.