A slice of bacon: What I would do with $240 million jackpot

By Shane Bacon
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The current estimated value of the Powerball lottery jackpot for this week is $240 million.

Being the hugely intelligent mathematics guru that I am, I know it is worth roughly a Penny Hardaway contract.

So, after purchasing my lucky numbers, I started daydreaming about what would come with my new riches.

Here are just a few things I'd do once they cut me my much-needed check:

  • I'd start by purchasing the most confusing, mouth-numbing muzzle in the history of the world and affix it to mouth of ESPN reporter Steven A. Smith, because, quite frankly, he's a complete moron.

  • I'd then buy out the rest of Ricky Williams' contract, all the millions of dollars he owes for dropping the Dolphins for dope, so that he could disappear into a cloud thicker than anything seen in Cheech and Chong movies.

  • I'd send former Wildcat Salim Stoudamire a benjamin for every sky-touching, crowd-deafening, game-winning 3-pointer that never touched anything but net.

  • I'd find former Arizona football head coach John Mackovic under whatever stone he's hiding under, duct tape him to a tackle dummy and pay Darrell Brooks to light him up like a Sun Devil.

  • I'd pay former Wildcat softball star Jennie Finch a hefty sum to be my date to the next formal.

  • I'd take Lute Olson out to P.F. Chang's for dinner and enlightenment, just to find out what is beneath those silver locks.

  • I'd pay to change our school mascot to something unique, like the Arizona Cacti or the UA Kegstanders.

  • I'd buy out all the seats in the stadium for the first Stanford-Arizona men's basketball game and give them to any students who failed to win basketball tickets (seniority first and Zona Zoo shirts required).

  • I'd make the tailgate at Homecoming mandatory for every football game.

  • I'd challenge President Peter Likins and Mike Stoops to a beer pong game and pay Fox Sports to televise it.

  • I'd pay just to be a fly on the wall when Ivan Radenovic hit on a girl. Forty-year-old virgins don't even make me laugh that much.

  • I'd pay someone to actually explain to me what the Alumni Plaza is used for.

  • I'd make the basketball ticket lottery a quiz. Who hit a full-court shot against Cincinnati to win an early basketball game in 1997? (Miles Simon) Who is the only Arizona player to lead his team in scoring four straight years? (Sean Elliot)

  • I'd pay ex-Zona Zoo Keeper Brian Savitch to quit whatever job he's doing and work at pumping up the fans full-time.

  • I'd pay a meathead to backhand any of my out-of-state friends who always ask, "You go to Arizona State, right?"

  • I'd mandate a new classroom rule that if 10 students fall asleep in one of your lectures, the teacher has to buy Papa John's for everyone next class.

  • I'd continue to pay tuition, even if I graduate in May, until our football team had a winning season.

  • I'd buy basketball tickets for anyone who went four years without winning them.

  • I'd personally buy plane tickets for myself; my best friend, Will; my dad; my uncle, Doug; and their best friend, Teddy, to St. Andrews, where we would play the Old Course so many times, Teddy might have to abandon his 9-wood. Then I'd pay for Tennents all night at the Dunvegan.

  • I'd install railroad nails in the seats of any season-ticket holder in McKale Center so they would have to stand up the entire game.

  • I'd have every club sports athlete write an essay just explaining his or her passion about a particular sport, and the best essay would get the sport funded for a year.

  • I'd take Hassan Adams out for a steak dinner and thank him for staying his final season and allowing us one more year to watch him hop around like a kangaroo.

    If all goes as planned, and I do everything I say I'm going to do, my final dream might be to go find a job.

    Shane Bacon is a journalism senior. He can be reached at sports@wildcat.arizona.edu.