Commentary: Top celebrity moments of 2005

By Susan Bonicillo
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Wednesday, December 7, 2005

Americans have an unhealthy obsession with national celebrities. Some point to the fact that America has no titled nobility, therefore elevating pop-culture icons to take the place of missing aristocracy.

Others contend that average citizens live lives of quiet desperation, and the only release from the drudgery is to escape and read about people who are much better looking and probably superlative lovers to boot.

Nevertheless, few can admit to not having his or her interest piqued by the news in Hollywood. So, here are some of the highlights of 2005.

10. The life of Paris Hilton

The media must mention Hilton at least once a week.

For someone whose life consists of dating wealthy Greek men and wearing pink, she's not interesting and barely deserves a passing thought.

However, the Federal Communications Commission has my dog bound and gagged and ready to throw into the python pit at the city zoo if I don't comply, so here's the latest on Paris.

Spent a night of clubbing, passed out, woke up at 2:30 p.m. and proceeded to have half a bagel all washed down with a can of Red Bull.

9. Say it isn't so, the Newlyweds are no more

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson broke our collective hearts when they announced their separation. Only minor celebrities before their MTV reality show "The Newlyweds" catapulted them to fame, marriage seemed to be the best career move by both.

8. Teleprompters aren't meant to be obeyed

During a celebrity telethon, rapper Kanye West aired his grievances against President Bush for the slow response to victims of Hurricane Katrina. Canadian Mike Myers looked mortified, as if just standing next to West would warrant deportation back to the frozen north. Though after seeing "Austin Powers in Goldmember," the Immigration and Naturalization Services should have revoked his green card right then and there.

7. Cocaine is staple food for models

The white powdery substance on supermodel Kate Moss' face was not makeup. Moss checked into the famous Meadows Clinic in Arizona, which reportedly has treated Martin Lawrence and Robert Downey Jr. And I think as a rehab clinic you'd lose your license if you haven't at one point in time treated Downey.

6. High energy, impromptu dance routine was better in 'Risky Business'

Floored by his whirlwind romance with actress Katie Holmes and unable to contain himself, megastar Tom Cruise appeared on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" and proceeded to bounce off of every flat surface that he could find. Meanwhile the middle-aged housewives in the audience clapped politely and awkwardly and hoped for a segue into Oprah's Book Club segment.

5. Portman is still perfect

Natalie Portman debuted a shaven head on the red carpet at the summer's Cannes Film Festival. The new look was for Portman's role in the upcoming movie "V for Vendetta." Even without her crowning glory, Portman still managed to look more attractive than about 93 percent of all women who have all their follicles intact.

4. Maybe TiVo isn't such a good thing

Fans of the Fox drama "The OC" may have been shocked (or slightly titillated) to see a revealing side of star Mischa Barton, (Mariss) clad in a flimsy nightgown and with gravity taking its toll there was a bit of Barton boob that could be observed, some fans reported. Despite the supposed breast-baring mishap, Fox surprisingly did not receive any complaints.

3. Attention: Tyra says fat people have feelings too

Supermodel Tyra Banks donned a fat suit for her talk show and walked around the streets of New York City to experience life on the heavier side. What she found was shocking. People are mean to fat people. After documenting this footage, she invited two overweight women to her show and proceeded to burst into tears after she recounted her day of horrors. Funny thing is that despite her intentions, Banks is still a part of the fashion industry that places so much importance on the female form.

2. The Brangelina Scandal

Jennifer Aniston is a pretty woman. Angelina Jolie, however, is a goddess. Brad Pitt has, what we will politely call, upgraded quite nicely. Pitt is attempting to become the legal guardian of Jolie's two adopted children. Speculation abounds as to when they will publicly announce their couplehood, though I suspect it's due to Jolie still looking for a way of letting her brother down easily.

1. Silly Jacko, kids aren't for tricks

The prince of pop and patron to many of the finer plastic surgeons in the Southern California region was acquitted of child molestation charges over the summer.

Jubilant fans rejoiced the verdict, but the support wasn't enough for Michael Jackson to stay in our fair country.

Hightailing it to Bahrain for some much needed rest and relaxation after the trial, Jackson was later caught in women's restroom simultaneously angering the locals and letting his freak flag fly a little higher.