By Ryan Casey
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
"Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan. " Well, John Ryan Casey. For the next few minutes, we're going to examine all aspects of your beloved Wildcats through the eyes of Hollywood.
Arizona football head coach Mike Stoops on the recruiting trail (courtesy of "Wedding Crashers"): "You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested? I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested?' So all of a sudden I'm getting - I'm starting to get interested..."
Just replace all the "she's" with "the 6-foot-5, 270-pound defensive lineman." Then you should be able to picture it.
More Stoops: "That's interesting, John, that glass looks half full to me," I can hear the coach echoing Vince Vaughn in the movie, discussing next season with will-be senior linebacker John McKinney.
"Wow, now that you mention it," he would probably respond, along the same lines as Owen Wilson, "it is half full."
(Though for the majority of coach Stoops' "exchanges" with the refs, you might need some help from the "Old School" version of Vaughn: "Max, can you earmuff for me?")
Sticking with the theme: "Red seven!" Easy, right? A quarterback checking down at the line of scrimmage. Well what if it was followed by, "I don't know what red seven means." Hmm, that kind of clouds the picture. The rest of the exchange might help you out:
"Hot route!" yells will-be redshirt sophomore quarterback Rudy Carpenter, his Sun Devils down by 40 to the Wildcats next year.
"I don't ... What is hot route?" asks a confused will-be redshirt junior wide receiver Rudy Burgess as he moves closer to Carpenter in order to hear him in front of 57,803 screaming fans in Arizona Stadium.
Carpenter flinches. "Will you just go stand on the other side please?" he says with a sigh after a few seconds.
(Alright, I give up, "Wedding Crashers" again.)
Here's one the Wildcats hope to hear next year, sitting ahead of ASU in the Pacific 10' Conference's standings: "You know those rating systems are flawed!" ASU head coach Dirk Koetter might tell Stoops, emulating "Anchorman." (Stoops' response? "I guess I have to take you at your word, No. 2.")
As "Old School" reminds us, those things that you may not necessarily be on scholarship for oftentimes turn out to be the biggest successes of all: "Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty OK for everyone."
Former football walk-on Copeland Bryan led the Wildcats with 7.5 sacks in 2005 and basketball freshman walk-on David Bagga can say he led the NCAA in career field goal percentage at one time in his career. (I'm just saying ...)
"I mean, can you really trust another human being, Greg?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"No. The answer is you can not."
"Meet the Parents" is right, especially if they're Pac-10 officials, be it basketball or football. I mean, honestly, Lute Olson had to play defense on redshirting sophomore guard Jawann McClellan during Arizona's Jan. 12 loss to Oregon State to see if he might be able to pull that foul call out of the refs that his team had been trying to get for a good 30 seconds, grabbing and holding a number of Beaver players.
And it hasn't gotten any better during these past few games.
"It looks like Peter LaFleur has actually blindfolded himself," Cotton McKnight, played by Gary Cole, said in "Dodgeball." Only in the Wildcats' case, it's the zebras whose vision has been impaired.
As McKnight's partner, Pepper Brooks (Jason Bateman) points out, "He will not be able to see very well, Cotton."
Speaking of basketball:
"But let me hit you with some knowledge," Arizona fans are starting to hear on a consistent basis after taking a few losses under the belt. "Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas."
Well, those same fans who've seen "Dodgeball" had the perfect response.
"Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament."
That'd be the tournament the Wildcats have made every year for the past 21 years.
"I don't know how to put this, but I'm kind of a big deal."
Well, Ron Burgundy is in "Anchorman," but so is the newly appointed big man on campus, freshman quarterback Willie Tuitama. Let's just say people know him.
"Great Odin's raven!"
OK, I couldn't do that one.
"Knights of Columbus!"
Ah, man ... this column's getting too long. You stay classy, Arizona.