The Perrier Challenge

By Elizabeth Thompson
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Thursday, January 20, 2005

We at the arts desk receive a lot of mail. Most of it consists of brochures for the Chef Tony Knife set (one of the butcher knives can chop a tennis shoe in half!) or irate letters from Wildcat readers addressed to the "farts desk" informing us we should be stabbed in the face for picking on "You Got Served."

Recently, however, we've been delighted to receive a string of letters from Wildcat readers who all seem to have the same question on their minds: What's the arts desk secret for staying in shape?

Well readers, we can't sit on our hands any longer. It's time we let you know how we take our bodies to the max. It's time we let our readers know about the Perrier Parcourse.

Drawing a blank? Think back to that wooden, pole-like apparatus you may pass every day by the Anthropology building. Or take a look at the "Hop and Kick" station by the Arizona State Museum. To the common eye, they are only a series of antiquated workout posts for grandmothers sponsored by a carbonated beverage of yore.

To the arts desk, however, they comprise an oasis of fitness in the Old Pueblo. For the past five months, we've been jumping out of our cots in the newsroom at 5 a.m. on the dot to take the Parcourse head on. And in October, this hard practice paid off! Team GoWild successfully completed all five workout stations in 4 hours and 49 minutes, a time qualifying us for the 89th Annual International Perrier Parcourse Challenge to be held in Brussels this June.

We've been trying to slip our big news into a movie review here, or a band interview there, but this recent demand for physical fitness tips from our readers has finally given us the perfect excuse to let you in on our cardio fun. Included, a pictorial of our daily workout routine. Enjoy.

Stretching is an important part of your team's training. Also, we're told that flossing is important.

We don't usually do either, leaving us permanently sprained and ever fearful of gingivitis.

This medieval torture device is designed to work your abs. While staff writer Lauren Hillery and editor Nate Buchik had no problem with this one, staff writer "Loungin" Elizabeth Thompson needed a hand.

Even when working out, Team GoWild stays on top of important entertainment news so we can recycle it a week later.

It was 7 a.m. and, as staff writer Kylee Dawson demonstrated a magnificent hop kick, assistant editor Mark Sussman realized he was behind on his drinking. We choose to ignore his deadly serious alcoholism.

If you need to do a pull-up, try taking a sweet drag of nicotine. It's like a steroid that makes you look like a sophisticated movie star instead of a genderless troll.

To get pumped up for the physical and mental devastation of the Perrier Challenge, Kylee listens to her favorite cardio-jam.

She chose Linkin Park, but Staind or Disturbed or any of that numetal bullshit works just as well.

Team GoWild captain "Jumpin'" Nate Buchik wows his staff by holding himself parallel to a wooden beam for 45 minutes.

Nate stripped down to his skivvies to reduce wind resistance. We feel he's ready for the Olympics.

Every member of Team GoWild seems to feel differently about push-ups. However, there is one thing we all agree upon: It's not plagiarism if you found it on the Internet.

In a moment of triumphant abandon, Nate Buchik pours Perrier over his face upon the completion of the Perrier Challenge.

Unfortunately the carbonation left him temporarily blind and permanently whiny.

Celebrating with your team is the most satisfying part of any Perrier Challenge. We do it after every event to build team unity.

Now it's just an empty ritual.