Try this scenario:

Keanu Reeves is chasing a middle-aged gentleman through hallways and up and down stairs deep inside the darkened, quiet refuge of McKale Center.

He knows this man has got to be somewhere in his mid 50s, and Reeves can't help thinking, God, this guy's quick.

The man stumbles over a desk that was left outside of the CATS tutoring room and as he rolls to the ground, Reeves can now see that the man is wearing a 1994 Fiesta Bowl T-shirt.

"Freeze!" yells the former star of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure as he points his 9mm pistol at the head of his opponent, suddenly realizing that the only person who has a dumber haircut than himself is Forrest Gump.

The man tries to get up and run again.

"FREEZE!!!!" Reeves screams. This time, the man does as he is told. And as he slowly looks back, a fluorescent light above them makes it clear to Reeves who the mystery man is. It is Dick Tomey.

"Pop quiz, Coach:" Reeves says. "You're on the cover of Sports Illustrated, you're ranked in everyone's top 10, you've got one week until your season opener against Georgia Tech and ... school starts today What do you do? What do you do?"

O.K., so Dick Tomey is no Dennis Hopper, we're missing Sandra Bullock and those Sun Trans can they even get up to 50 mph? But it's a plausible scenario nonetheless, considering Reeves was kind enough to mention Tomey's troops in his latest film, "Speed."

"I'll be damned," Reeves/Jack Traven says as he leans closer to Bullock/Annie, who is driving the bus. "You go to the University of Arizona?"

"Yeah," Bullock/Annie replies, a little confused.

"Arizona Wildcats," Reeves/Jack Traven says. "Good football team."

"Yeah, I guess," Bullock/Annie says, still confused.

I guess? And you're supposed to be a student there? Sandra, Sandra, Sandra. The RA's didn't let you out of Coronado very often, did they?

But that's not the real question. The real question lies in Reeves aforementioned pop quiz. What do you do?

For one, you can bet that it will be very difficult for guys like Tedy Bruschi, Jim Hoffman and Tony Bouie to get past the awe-struck masses of underclassmen preventing them from getting to anthropology. That is, unless they gain access to the labyrinth of tunnels underneath the Mall.

What do you do?

You don't think jinx. You get it out of your mind that there is anything as a jinx. Forget that Scott Bentley bombed at Florida State after appearing on SI's '93 college preview. Concentrate on Georgia Tech until the Georgia Tech game ends. Then do the same with New Mexico State. And so on. Adhere to the cliche of taking it just one game at a time.

What do you do?

If you're Bruschi, you prepare yourself to be honked at, waved at, cursed at, smiled at and yelled at wherever you go on your Honda scooter. You maybe even consider trading it in for a beach cruiser or a nice blue Pinto.

What do you do?

You bear with the people who like to play the game where they try to identify each of the coaches sitting around Tomey in the photo SI took in the Santa Catalina Mountains (pages 34-35). You also bear with those who ask you why you were eating pretzels with mustard.

What do you do?

Tomey suddenly starts laughing wildly. He removes his Fiesta Bowl shirt and reveals that he has several sticks of dynamite strapped to his chest. Then, he pulls Jim Livengood from out of the shadows and takes hold of him by the ear. The Arizona coach pulls a hand-held detonator out of his sweatpants' pocket and says, "What are you gonna do now, Jack? Huh? You're going to have to let me go or I kill all of us."

With Reeves following, his gun pointed the whole time, Tomey forces Livengood up and back, through corridors and to the foot of the exit doors on the west side of the building. It is nighttime outside. Tomey is about to exit with Livengood, when the AD whispers, "Shoot the hostage."

Reeves hesitates for a moment before putting a slug in Livengood's left thigh. Livengood slumps to the ground and looks up at Reeves.

"You *&^%$@," he says. Reeves shrugs, then looks up to see Tomey just outside the doors. Before fleeing, he turns to laugh hysterically at Reeves and Livengood. Then he disappears around a corner. Reeves takes five steps forward, with every intention of following him, when there is an enormous explosion.

The blast carries Reeves off his feet and backward about 10 yards into a brick wall. He lands on his tailbone, and sees amidst the flying brick and glass, thousands of red roses. And as the dust settles, Reeves thinks he hears Tomey off in the distance, saying, "They're beautiful, they're beautiful."

Thoden K. Janes is the sports editor of the 1994-95 Arizona Daily Wildcat. Read Next Article