near the edge

Stay away from the closet.

Trust me, I haven't done laundry. Who knows what hideous signs and wonders lay among the sea of graying socks and stiffened jean shorts? There may even be some ex-boyfriends/mineral deposits caught under the debris.

(Hint for all you wacky archaeology majors: the ark isn't on Mount Ararat.)

There's a reason UA students are so involved in campus groups: free T-shirts. That means just one more day you won't have to ponder what will top your jean shorts without seeming pass‚.

As a student, I feel confident to report we will do almost anything to keep from going through the laundromat ordeal. My friend Greg said he once put his clothes into the bathtub and washed them with Fry's dish soap. Look Ma, lemony fresh and no streaks.

Actually, this is a lie. He did complain of blue streaks on his underwear.

Most of the people I know just dig into their dressers for the clothes they would never, under normal circumstances, be caught dead in. But these are desperate times.

Who knows why we'd rather wear our "Seniors 1985" shirt instead of tripping over to the laundromat?

I like to think it has something to do with wanting to revert back to the primal state when we wore loincloths and dragged each other around by the hair. Kind of a survival of the fittest, a test of longevity. A game of chicken with Mr. Clean. But alas, it's probably only laziness.

Theoretically, you can get by without a clean T-shirt, but the underwear, as any self-respecting slob will agree, is a must. That, my friend, is what prompts us to plunk our prized quarters into the drink.

You think campus organizations would get the hint and appeal to the college laundry phobia by doling out free underwear. I would be first in line what with my parents catching on to my annual underwear trek to Price Club.

There's nothing wrong with buying in bulk when it means saving a few precious quarters.

Sure, people devise creative ways to skirt the underwear problem without actually springing for more time on the dryer. But this is a family paper, so such sicko practices will remain behind closed drawers.

Personally, I think keeping an ample supply of dirty laundry at all times can come in handy. For instance, when a psycho hose-beast calls for your promised trip to the movies, you can truthfully claim you don't have a thing to wear and need to stay home to do laundry.

It also works the opposite way when you revert to wearing dress clothes to class. Someone will inevitably bulk your ego by saying, "Hey! You look nice. What's the occasion?"

Practice your response carefully, but never admit the truth.

So if you see someone walking around in a a snowmobile suit, tuxedo jacket or even the standard club T-shirt, grungy jean shorts and sandals, you'll know their dirty secret.

And if it's a particularly creative get-up, donate a quarter to the cause.

They probably need it.

Laura Ingalls has been known to wear her Don Henley T-shirt several days in a row.

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