New TV season stinks

The new 1994-95 television shows can be summed up in one word crapola.

Sure, "The Martin Short Show" is mildly amusing, but besides that we are unimpressed. Do we really need "Chicago Hope" and "E.R.," both hospital dramas set in Chicago? What makes Chicago hospitals so interesting anyways? Do we need sitcoms starring Dudley Moore, Dabney Coleman and Gene Wilder? Up until last week, most of us thought they were dead. But taking the cake as the most inane show is "On Our Own," a sitcom about six brothers and sisters who evade child-welfare authorities after their parents die in a car accident. Stop it already, our sides are hurting.

Maybe it's just us, but television isn't what it use to be. Especially sitcoms. Whatever happened to that little thing known as characterization? You felt the bond between Mr. Kotter and the tough, yet lovable, Sweat Hogs in "Welcome Back Kotter." You cried when Schnieder the handyman couldn't fix a toilet in "One Day at a Time." You laughed when Arnold would look at Willis and say "What're you talking about Willis?" You were concerned when Tootie of "Facts of Life" had an eating disorder and she just wouldn't listen to Natalie. "Good Times," "The Brady Bunch," "The Jeffersons," "Mork & Mindy," "Sanford & Son," "Joanie Loves Chachi," "Laverne and Shirley," "Barney Miller" and "Mama's Family" . These shows are classics that people will be watching for decades to come. Heck, one day the television signals may reach alien civilizations and they too will cheer when Flo of "Alice" puts her hands on her hips and says, "Kiss my grits!"

Damn it! It's the networks' responsibilty to provide us with funny sitcoms. It's one of our inalienable rights or something to be able to watch funny sitcoms until our brains turn to mush and our butts are melded to our couchs. We're Generation Xers slacking around in our flannel shirts and talking about what a musical genius Peter Frampton was. We demand good television shows or we're going to hunt down the network executives and pour Zima all over them. Then we'll whine a lot. "Full House" just doesn't cut it. We bet if the aliens saw "Full House," they would come down to Earth and annihilate our civilization. Think about that, TV execs.

We want better sitcoms and we want them now. C'mon, we could think of dozens of cool sitcom ideas just looking around the UA campus. For example, how about "Silver Spoons: The Action Story." It could be about the hilarious hijinks of a Fiddlee Fig employee who tracks down people who steal silverware. How about "Mall Preachers Inc." - a show about the trials and tribulations of UA Mall preachers. See, isn't that easy. And we're only measly university students. There's no good excuse that network executives can give for allowing "Alf" to go on the air.

If we keep being fed a steady diet of "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Blossom," we may have to take drastic measures. Actions that we ordinarily would never dare dream of. We may have to start reading books.

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