All-new game of 'Reality Check'


(The scene opens on an elaborate sound stage. Voice-over begins.) "And now, direct from a campus near you, it's time for everyone's favorite game show. Reality Check! Where YOU play the game, and REALITY always wins!" (Music Starts.) "Wel-come to Re-al-i-ty Check,/ Where the conservative / Makes it serious. (Voice over continues.) "And now, here's your host, Glen O. Hijinks!"

"Thank you, thank you! Welcome, one and all! And a very warm welcome to our contestant! We've got the questions prepared and our special isolation booths all set for their comfort. Will our lucky player get past the Reality Check? We'll find out today! But first let's meet the contestant!"

"From Tucson, Arizona, John Keisling! Come on down!" "Oh wow! I can't believe it! Oh wow!" "All right now, let's get you into the isolation booth. Comfy? Good. Now listen closely. This 18-year-old welfare mother of two is raising her children in a two-room high crime neighborhood apartment. State officials want to provide free health care and nutrition to her children. Here's question number one. Did they do the right thing?"

"Oh, no! She chose to have sex and children and they will have to pay the consequences. If she hadn't had a two-room apartment she wouldn't have had two kids." "Judges?" "You're right, we will move her to a one room apartment and cut her support until she gets a job or a husband-like mom."

"Here's question number two. TUSD has a student teacher ratio of 32:1, while the foothills schools have a ratio of 22:1. Liberals in the city government believe the ratio should be the same since TUSD students are generally poorer and need more help to succeed. Are they right?"

"Oh, no! Foothills residents pay more taxes and deserve better schools. Their kids will succeed. If TUSD students aren't motivated, that's their fault and if the parents cared they'd move to a better school district."

"Judges?" "That's right! People get what they pay for."

"Wow, John, you've made it to question number three. Here it is." You just found out your senior manager is gay and your secretary wants to move her breaks to coincide with her prayers to Mohammed. Remembering the law, what do you do?"

"Fire the manager and tell my secretary no! America was founded for and by Christians and will always be Christian. She had better do an perfect job if she wants to keep her job. As for the manager, anyone choosing homosexuality deserves my choosing to fire them." "Judges?" "Right again! You do not have to deal with sinners."

"John, you've made it this far. Be careful with this final question! You're hiring a new manager and have a choice between the equally qualified Joe, who's white, and Pete, who's a minority. Affirmative action requirements have been abolished. However, during the interval you find out Joe lives in your neighborhood and goes to the same church. Who do you hire?"

"No question, I'd hire Joe. He'll be a good ol' boy team player. He'll fit in better with the rest of the guys at the company. This has nothing to do with race." "Judges?" "Right! Pete can find a job in a company he'd feel more comfortable in. And John, for winning the contest here's the very same Joe with the keys to your new company!" (Applause!)

Years later John now lives in a walled community in the foothills. He sends his kids to a private school and campaigns against high taxes. He's tired of building more prisons and thinks the rest of Tucson should hire their own police force, like he did, and stop using his tax dollars. He likes to hire illegal aliens because they work for less, are more motivated and are no longer a drain on the tax dollars. He can't understand why single mothers still have kids, more and more of Tucson's kids seem bitter, unmotivated and illiterate, colleges can't find enough qualified applicants, and the communist movement is on the rise. It seems to show a decline in family values.

Reality is neither left or right, but the truth is out there, somewhere.

Alan Jessen

Toxicology/Industrial Hygiene Graduate Student

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