i'm in hell

When I first agreed to do this column, I selected the title "i'm in hell" as a lighthearted reference to my general state of being. It was simple, to the point, the lowercase "i" a playful mocking of the English language and the reference to "hell" an understood implication that I meant "hell" in, of course, the figurative sense.

But that was a long time ago. The title "i'm in hell" has since taken on a new meaning.

See, until last year, when I started working for the Wildcat, I had never taken classes and had a job at the same time. Sure, I had to manage my time a bit more when I started, but I survived.

As my responsibilities at the Wildcat grew, however, "hell" slowly became less of a playful reference than a gradual truth. I have new-found respect for those who concurrently work and study. To put it simply, I AM in hell.

Often, I wonder where the hours go. And often I wonder this when I'm supposed to be working or studying. I sit at my desk, and when people walk by I ask them, "[Addressee], where do the hours go?" And then said person will answer, "Aren't you supposed to be working?" And then I say, "Don't you know it's impolite to answer a question with a question?"

Though I never found a solution, I did spend more time pondering the question when I should've been working. In my analysis, I deduced the problem lies in the number of hours in the day. For all you out there who are not from Earth, or who have lived in caves since the dawn of time, that's 24.

Now, what if we were to increase the hours in a day? Let's say 28. That would mean four more hours you math majors can verify this, but I think I am correct in which to answer co-workers' questions with more questions. The rest is really quite simple: If the number of hours in a week 168 remained constant, then, with 28-hour days, we would have six-day weeks instead of seven. Workweeks would be four days and weekends would still be two.

Oh, sure, there would be minor problems with the cycle of the sun and the rotation of the earth and sleeping habits and whatnot, but that's what daylight savings time is for, right?

So, as I do with many of my thought-provoking solutions to life's problems, I presented my hypothesis to my friend Greg. He was . helpful.

"What're you gonna do, slow down the rotation of the earth?" he said. "Boy, I thought your columns were dumb before, but you're a real moron, Monty. And besides, with 28-hour days, what would ESPN2 show then?"

He had a point. I did not take into account the ESPN2 variable. After all, one can only stand so many celebrities and their dogs' competitions.

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