i'm in hell

I knew I was in trouble when it was August, and I hadn't even found a place to live yet. And though I was in Santa Ana, Calif., I knew my dependable roommate John was diligently searching for the perfect house to accommodate us in yet another year at the University of Arizona.

Confidently, I decided to give him a ring.

John: "Uh, hello?"

Me: "So, have you found a place?"

John: "No! And stop calling me!"

Losing confidence, I began to worry. Days went by. Fretfully, I decided to give him another ring.

John: "Uh, hello?"

Me: "So, have you found a I mean, hey, it's Monty."

J: "Oh, hey. Uh, what do you want?"

M: "Just calling . no reason ."

J: "Uh, I found a place."

M: "Oh really?! You did?! Uh, I mean, uh, cool. So how is it?"

J: "It's not . bad."

I didn't like the way he said this.

M: "So how is it?"

J: "It's crap."

I didn't like the way he said this.

M: "You mean 'crap' as in 'good crap,' right? Like saying 'bad' but really meaning 'good,' right? . Hello? Hello?"

I took his hanging up to signify he meant "bad" crap. After having a good cry, I weighed my options. On one hand I had crap. Not knowing how it got there and being thoroughly grossed out from it, I brushed it off. On the other hand, I could just live in a cardboard box, which was appealing at the time, since boxes were a lot easier to find than houses.

In my desperation, I began thinking of advantages of living in a box. No rent, for starters. I could just use that money my dad sends me every month to get better boxes. And if anyone decided to burn my place down, there wouldn't be any hassle with insurance or needlessly wasting taxpayers' money with firefighters.

Excited, I went box-hunting. But there were soooo many choices. U-Haul or Ryder? One big box or a lot of medium ones? Corrugated or regular? I couldn't make up my mind.

Then this friend of mine asked if I needed a roommate. Since I had turned down John's offer, he asked my other friend to move in with him. So I said yes, I did need a roommate.

"So do I," she said.

Yes, "she." For me, this was an odd twist of events, because not only had I never lived with a female, I had never even thought about it. I accepted her offer.

So we went house-hunting, about a week before school started. We found a place, and it didn't take me long to notice the subtle differences between guys

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