As my favorite law enforcement official, I would like to thank you for apprehending me on Sept. 12, 1995. I admit that I perpetrated a most horrific crime, but you pulled me over on your motorcycle and had no fear of my dangerous nature. You proved your dedication to the law and to public safety by fearlessly writing me a $40 ticket for riding my bicycle on campus without a light. Although I explained that I was merely riding to the library to study, you saw through my weak excuse.
I was not the only person who received a ticket. I met several of my fellow transgressors at traffic court last Saturday as I wasted two hours of my time. I had no choice but to plead "guilty" and had the pleasure of having the judge laugh in my face. The judge expressed his annoyance dealing with a charge so petty and dismissed the ticket in, literally, less than 10 seconds.
It is comforting to know that while murderers, armed robbers, and drunk drivers can commit crimes with relative impunity, the true criminals, those unlit campus cyclists, are being brought to justice. I thought that they had sodium lights on campus for lighting bike paths and not just to give everyone that deathly glow. Beware fellow Knight-riders, Kent is out for blood.
So, Kent, I would like to thank you. Thanks for nothing, chump.
Molecular Biology and Economics Junior
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