i'm in hell

One thing I like to do at the Wildcat newsroom when I'm not slaving over this column is play on the Internet.

Now, notice I didn't use that trite, overdone phrase "surfing" the Internet. There is a reason for this, and it is because my theory is that the word was first coined back in the early days of the Internet by some one-ton guy with a government job who sat behind his computer and downloaded dirty pictures all day. Because the phrases "'pointing and clicking' the Internet" and "'Hey, this takes less effort than picking my nose!' the Internet" didn't sound athletic enough, he conjured up the phrase "surfing" the Internet.

See, the scenario could've been played out thusly (we'll call this man Marty just for the hell of it, no reason, just a name I randomly chose).

(phone rings)

Marty: "Hello?"

Caller: "Hey, it's (caller)! What's up? How's it goin', Monty?"

M: "Marty."

C: "Whatever. (Note: Yes, this is a cheap ploy by the writer to get people to quit calling him "Marty." Face it, the joke's OVER, people! Quit calling me "Marty!" You all think you're soooo funny well, let's see YOU try to write this damn thing once a week! It's not as easy as it looks, you sorry, uh, let's resume this scenario, which, I'll admit, was really placed here merely to correct annoying people you know who you are) Anyway, what'cha up to?"

M: "Well, I'm just sitting here at my government job, pointing and click uh, surfing the Internet . you know, getting exercise, trying to stay fit."

C: "Whoa, surfing the Internet, huh? Is that anything like moving a little arrow around on the screen, which takes less effort than picking your nose?"

Marty: "No."

Caller: "OK, well, the point is made. Gotta go!"

Anyway, like I said, I find the Internet amusing. In fact, just last week my friend Greg and I were discussing the vast cyber-amusement park that is the world of Internet. We somehow got on the subject of newsgroups, which, coincidentally, was right after I said, "Greg, what do you think of newsgroups?"

"Well," he said, "I think they're . amusing, a sort of cyber-amusement park, Mar uh, Monty."

Greg said one newsgroup he found interesting was the "alt.conspiracies" newsgroup, where people post insightful messages regarding such noncontroversial events as Kennedy's assassination.

"Greg," I said, "you have been most helpful. But how would I go about learning more about

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