By Jeff Riley
You saw Bill Gates, and perhaps the first man to own both a 24-karat gold pocket protector and a Jaguar, telling Larry King he had no idea what all the Windows 95 commotion was about.
I saw Satan.
Okay, so you have to hang with me on this one.
Somewhere, somebody with entirely too much time on his hands Ÿ and in dire need of a support group for ASCII Characteraholics Ÿ crunched a few intriguing numbers that put the pitchfork in our old friend Bill's hands.
It all begins with Gates' name, William Henry Gates III. Shorten it to Bill Gates III, convert each letter to its ASCII character, and the sum of the numbers is 666.
Do the same with MS-DOS 6.21. The sum is 666.
Do the same with Windows 95. The sum is 666.
Let's just say that if ol' Bill was a college mascot, he'd be sipping Zima at his shack in Tempe.
So, if you were a victim of the $200 million hype and actually bought Windows 95, you might want to put this down and go wash your hands. But you and I both know that you were too busy scraping up enough coins to buy your books last week.
And Ÿ as the bright young college minds that you are Ÿ you knew better than the get-a-lifers who pulled their Yugos into CompUSA just before midnight last Wednesday.
After all, Windows 95 is the most overrated entity since, well, since Lute's boys last stepped on the court to play an NCAA Tournament game.
I've worked extensively with both Windows Ÿ yes, including Windows 95 Ÿ and the Mac platform. Windows 95 is much improved over Windows 3.11, but the 95 Hyundai usually is better than the 94 Hyundai, too. A Hyundai is a Hyundai.
The fact that Windows 95's much-ballyhooed Start button is located at the bottom of the screen says everything that needs to be said about the Microsoft mindset.
As far as the Mac World is concerned, Windows 95 is nothing more than Macintosh 87.
I must admit, however, that even I was impressed with the latte those marketing guys at Microsoft are drinking these days. And, although I'm one of those journalism stiffs the UA administration loves to hate, I know enough about numbers to sit up a little straighter around all those sixes.
But I couldn't look my journalism degree in the eye if I wasn't willing to take on Bill's World. So here's some of your own numbers to crunch while you're pondering what you could do with $200 million (let's see, first we save the Journalism Department at UA ... got to write that down).
Geek Fact: Microsoft released more than 1 billion balloons into the environment. Riley Fact: Apparently we shouldn't count on Bill piloting a Greenpeace boat in the near future.
Geek Fact: Microsoft expected to sell 2 million copies on opening day and expects sales to reach 30 million by Christmas. Riley Fact: Remember, several million people bought Milli Vanilli albums, too.
Geek Fact: Microsoft paid the Rolling Stones $12 million to use the song "Start Me Up" in ad campaigns. Riley Fact: I think Ÿ no, wait a minute, I'm sure Ÿ Microsoft could have had Milli Vanilli much cheaper.
Geek Fact: In Dallas, CompUSA gave away American Airlines tickets to the first 100 customers who purchased copies of Windows 95. Riley Fact: The destination? Well, if you buy any of that 666 stuff, it apparently was a one-way fare to hell.
Geek Fact: The Empire State Building used the Microsoft color scheme for its nightly pattern, the first time the building has used a corporation's colors. Riley Fact: Empire State Building officials drew the line at Gates' request to string his Jockeys from the flag pole, dragging a frenetic Gates away as he screamed "I'm bigger than Kong, baby!"
Remember, Kong was nothing but a big monkey.
Jeff Riley is a former staff writer with the Los Angeles Times, and, today, recommends that nobody takes his free-lance opinions too seriously.