Attention teenagers! Looking for a career opportunity? If so, you should consider one of the fastest-growing fields in America: a career in crime! Yes, there's never been a better time to get started. To fill you in on this exciting vocation, here are some common questions and answers.
Q: So why is crime such a good career?
A: Because it has big, immediate payoffs, but very low risk. Any investment banker will tell you that's what to look for.
Q: What kind of payoffs?
A: The sky's the limit! If you steal just $2,000 a month, you'll already be making $24,000 a year. Rob the right people and you could net $2,000 in just one night! And that's only robbery. Drug dealers make a lot more, and so do carjackers and contract killers.
Q: That's a lot of money. But what about job satisfaction? Will I be a respected member of my community?
A: Absolutely! Just look at Snoop Doggy Dog. He's a gang member, indicted for murder, and yet he's made millions as a rap star. He's been featured in Rolling Stone, Vibe and Spin, and even on the cover of Newsweek. People adore him. In fact, many criminals are celebrities. Look at Jeffrey Dahmer, or Charles Manson.
Q: That sounds good. So what else is there?
A: That's the best part: power. You can set your own hours, you'll be your own boss, and you'll get to break the rules. People always get out of a criminal's way. Plus, unlike some jobs where it takes years to rise to a powerful position, you can get there right away. In a career of law-breaking, you're in control.
Q: Wait a minute. Won't I go to prison?
A: Not anymore. First of all, even if you get caught, you can easily find a lawyer and get off on a technicality. Why, they'll even give you a lawyer for free if you want! Lawyers tend to have a lot of sympathy for criminals, especially thieves. Also, with all the "criminals' rights" laws today, all you have to do is say your rights were violated and you're home free.
Q: But what if I do go on trial?
A: No problem. Just say you had a bad childhood, or you were temporarily insane, or you had an irresistible impulse like Lorena Bobbitt. If you're a minority, you can even say you were engaging in social protest, like in the L.A. riots. If you weren't responsible for your actions, they can't punish you!
Q: OK, but what if I do go to jail?
A: First, you can always plea-bargain for a lighter sentence, and you can get paroled even then. Right now, 35 states are under court orders to release convicts to free up prison space. So you won't have to be there long, and besides, prison's not so bad these days. You'll have cable TV, free food, even college courses in some places. And once you're out, you can go to law school. Just remember: studies show that for every 100 serious crimes, only 5 criminals go to prison.
Q: Sounds like prison's no problem. But what if people fight back? I don't want to get shot!
A: You won't. With Clinton and Sarah Brady in power, it won't be long before all guns are banned. Your victims won't be able to fight back anymore, because all the power to resist crime will shift to the government. And you know how federal bureaucracy is. Even America's police will never be able to defend a totally helpless population.
Q: But wait. If guns are banned, I won't be able to get a gun either.
A: Sure you will! As a criminal, you're above the law. You can get your guns illegally, like 93 percent of violent criminals already do. That's what's so great about gun control: it makes crime easier. Why, with gun buyback programs, you can even get rid of a murder weapon and pick up some cash.
Q: Hold it. All this sounds great, but what about right and wrong? Isn't it just plain wrong to murder and steal?
A: Of course not. That's just outdated, oppressive Judeo-Christian morality. We've gotten rid of that, even in elementary schools. We now know that there is no right or wrong, just whatever works for you. You have the right to choose your lifestyle and express yourself as you please. After all, we've all got to live somehow.
Q: Well, I'm convinced! How do I start?
A: First, join Handgun Control Inc. at 1-800-COMRADE, and once you're in a gang, call Time-Warner about a record deal. You'll be on your way in no time.
John Keisling is a law-abiding math grad student. His column appears on alternate Thursdays. Read Next Article