Last week, the Wildcat scraped the bottom of its travel budget and flew in, at great expense, world-renowned psychic Madame Jennifer. For a stiff fee, she agreed to listen to our questions about the future of the University of Arizona. She then spent six hours locked in the darkroom with a deck of tarot cards and a Magic 8 Ball, all to bring the following predictions for the coming summer:
ù Students meet with President Manuel T. Pacheco to discuss imminent program cuts. After an hour of discussion, the students walk out, accusing Pacheco of blindly following the recommendations of his underlings. In related news, Provost Paul Sypherd wins $100,000 on "Star Search" for a ventriloquism act with his dummy "Little Manny."
ù Scientists mark a slight dip in the population of the endangered Mount Graham red squirrel. Earth First! stages a protest on the mountain. A week later, 20 squirrels are found dead, apparently the victims of trail-mix overdose. Meanwhile, construction on the telescopes continues.
ù Pacheco announces that he will follow all of Sypherd's recommendations regarding program cuts. Despairing journalism students transfer to Arizona State University in depressingly large numbers, decimating the staff of the Arizona Daily Wildcat. The editor in chief resigns in disgust. ASUA President T.J. Trujillo applies for the vacated position and receives it despite two appeals by former Undergraduate Sen. Jason Wong. When asked about the possible conflict of interest in serving both as student body president and as editor of the student newspaper, Trujillo says, "Hey, you do what you gotta do to get good press."
ù Kramer from TV's "Seinfeld" finally shows up to host Spring Fling.
ù The Student Environmental Action Coaltion (SEAC) stages a Mount Graham protest on the UA Mall. A lot of people yell and scream, and the UA Police Department arrests them all, informing them that the new penalty for "interfering with the peaceful conduct of an educational institution" is six lashes with a rattan cane. Meanwhile, construction on the mountain continues.
ù The UA hires a new director for the Student Union to replace Bob Ernstein, who resigned in April. The new director asks the administration for the money to bring the old building up to modern safety standards. Administrators respond by declaring that the Student Union is "not central to the mission of the university." Arguing that the department is unnecessary because the other two Arizona universities also have Student Unions, the UA closes the building. Criticism of this decision ends abruptly one week later when the Union spontaneously collapses into a pile of rubble.
ù Administrators decide to further streamline the university by eliminating every program except Intercollegiate Athletics and Insect Science.
ù Students for Ecology, Peace and Justice (SEPJ) stage a Mount Graham protest at Rocky Point in Mexico. Despite heavier-than-normal media coverage, construction on the telescopes continues. Read Next Article