Talk radio hates you

Psst, hey, all you bigots, liars, and homophobes out there. Looking for work, but want to adhere to your antiquated beliefs? When you express your views on race relations, do civilized people look at you as if you must drag your knuckles? Does your bombast conceal the fact that you have no substance, but you are just ranting to hear yourself speak? Have a penchant for skillful deception and specious arguments? You obviously have been looking in the wrong places. But no matter. How about if I told of a burgeoning field where not only are you and yours tolerated, you are the norm? A field where normally unsympathetic, anti-social behavior and outlooks are at a premium. Look no further. Simply submit copies of your resumes, sample tapes, and your memberships to the John Birch Society to as many talk-radio stations around the country as your budget allows.

Are you a racist? Submit to WABC in New York, where the C.C.A. (chief caveman of America), host Bob Grant, dwells. He doesn't use silly euphemisms like "Black" or "African American," no no. "Savages" works just fine. You're probably thinking, "Not with this current oppression by the liberal media." Well, check out these gems of wisdom. In the United States, he says, are "millions of sub-humanoids, savages, who really would feel more at home careening along the sands of the Kalahari or the dry deserts of eastern Kenya people who, for some reason, have not become civilized." Wait, there's more. "Minorities are the Big Apple's majority . To me, that's a bad thing. I'm a White person." People of color aren't the only targets. "It would have been nice to have a few phalanxes of policemen with machine guns and mow them down," he said of gays after a parade. Ratings? Uncle Bob's Love Show is the highest rated show on the most listened-to talk radio station in the country. But if you want to become one of his proteges, you'd better hurry. Jay Diamond of the same station has actually encouraged police to arrange for "suicides" of suspects in police custody.

Want to be just mildly insulting? Emulate Michael Reagan yes, THAT Michael Reagan. When talking about the pointlessness of concealing the Simpson jurors, he stated one only need to go to "the 'hood" and just ask "who's been gone for six months." Sound like a kindred spirit?

Sick of those blasted HIV infected public enemies? There's an open spot for you at KSFO in San Francisco, where J. Paul Emerson was recently fired. He suggested that HIV infected people be quarantined. Now, you're probably saying, "Aha, evidence of the media conspiracy." But I have a sneaking suspicion that his bigotry wasn't expressed articulately enough. You'll take care of that.

After all, Rush Limbaugh hasn't been fired. If his statement that a Mexican won the New York marathon because "an immigration agent chased him the last ten miles" didn't do it, well, you'll have free reign. Speaking of Rush, the most brilliant thing he ever did was to establish a "no-guests" policy. That way, his monologues go unchallenged, and he has little or no incentive to tell the truth. The lies are too numerous to state here, but many are quoted in the July/August 1994 issue of that awful liberal rag, EXTRA!, which can be found in any college library. Those bleeding hearts can't STAND that your side is winning!

You have role models in more than just political radio. You can listen to the most popular morning show in the country, the Don Imus show. Why, just last week he referred to two Chicano fighters as "two beaners who don't want to fight each other."

As for those pesky individuals Grant referred to as savages that are in the business, no worries, because they all agree with you! Like Ken Hamblin, who compared young Black women with children to "cockroaches" who wantonly breed thoughtlessly.

One warning, though. Don't be a wimp, like Tucson host John C. Scott. He has denied any racial biases, yet said there would be "riots in the streets" if O.J. Simpson were White. Whites were selling T-shirts that said "FREE THE JUICE." He does have redeeming value, though, when he calls non-conservatives like Tom Leykis "pinheads."

"How long can this market last?" Well, as long as our leadership contains people like Congressman Dick Armey of Texas, who referred to fellow representative Barney Frank as "Barney Fag." As long as that tome by Chales Murray, The Bell Curve, is considered a serious scholarly work. What the liberals don't know is that it was funded primarily by the racist Pioneer Fund.

Now, stop hyperventilating and start those resumes.

Tyrone Henry is a political science senior.

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