Editor:

I applaud Paula Huff ("Get out of that abusive relationship," April 5) for her courage in getting involved when she saw someone being hurt. A lot of people would have turned the other way, even other battered women. I would like to offer some suggestions, though, to others like Paula Huff.

Just a few stats: every nine minutes, a woman is battered by her intimate partner, and one out of four women surveyed said they had been in a domestic violence relationship. Domestic violence is not just physical abuse, it is the use of fear and intimidation to control another person. It's not just slaps and kicks, it's control over what you wear, who you talk to, how you spend your money and where you go. It's living in fear for you life, all the time. It's like being a prisoner of war, really. People, not just women, who know victims of domestic violence need to tell that person that they know. Not only that they know, but that it's not the victim's fault. Something is wrong with her abuser. They need to listen without judging that person.

Don't ever say to her, "Why do you let him do this to you?" Instead, ask herself, "How can he do this to her? What is wrong with him? Domestic violence is a crime and morally wrong." It is never okay to hit a woman. And don't tell a victim that if her abuser does this again, you're going to get him. She doesn't need two abusive people on her hands. If the relationship is all she talks about when you're together, set boundaries for yourself. Tell her how you feel and limit the topic to 20 minutes of conversation. Don't give advice. You really don't know what she's going through.

If society says women have the choice to leave, well then, men choose to batter. Men, those of you who are smart enough to know battering is wrong need to tell the men who are batterers that this is unacceptable and inappropriate behavior. We need you to get involved because you have sisters, mothers and friends who have been victims of domestic violence. This is a man thing.

And finally, to victims of domestic violence, call a battered-women's shelter, even if it's just to get information on support groups, safety planning and resources that are available to you when you decide to leave. Because, you will decide to leave. Even if it takes seven times, which is the average, you will leave! Shelters are not the best places, but they are safe, and you will be surrounded by women who empower you and will educate you on domestic violence.

We know that you will go back, and that's okay, but at least know that we know it's not your fault. Remember, more police officers get shot when responding to DV calls. Those of you who do get involved, keep yourself safe. Call 911 first, don't intervene alone. Get help from other people and educate yourself about domestic violence. No matter how you look at it, it is wrong to beat a person down. And if you don't agree, you need to get some help.

Maria S. Ramirez
journalism senior