In the summer of 1776, a group of upstart Easterners got together and wrote a little thing called the Declaration of Independence. Men like Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and Caesar Rodney (a Delaware representative) took a stand against King George III and gave birth to a country now known as the United States of America.
Fast forward to today. Prince Michael of Kent, a member of the English royal family and 22nd in line for the crown, will be at the university to open the United Kingdom/Arizona Festival. The purpose of the festival is to foster cultural exchange between Arizona and the UK while raising public awareness about our friends across the Atlantic. It is also designed to increase tourism and trade with the British. We fully support such noble efforts.
We recognize Michael of Kent as a goodwill ambassador from the UK, but we refuse to recognize him as royalty. Our forefathers fought for a society free of titles such as duke, prince and king. Titles go against everything the American dream stands for Ä that everyone has an equal chance to better themself. They are figureheads who drain the English economy of millions of dollars. They don't even have the power to cut off people's heads anymore. The recent scandals Ä Prince Charles's affair, Fergie's antics and almost every royal family member getting photographed nude Ä have embarassed the United Kingdom.
(We don't blame Michael for all this because he's pretty far down the line. And anyway, we've heard that he's a pretty decent guy.)
We are concerned that Michael will not get a feel for the true University of Arizona experience. He is scheduled to visit Optical Sciences, the artifical heart and polymer paving programs at Health Sciences and Steward Observatory. We, at the Arizona Daily Wildcat, invite him to come down to our offices at 1 p.m. A group of us would go with him to Louie's Lower Level. Of course, he'd pay because he's royalty. Afterward, we'd hang out on the UA Mall and make fun of the Mall preachers. Who knows Ä the naked protester may even be there. Then the naked protester, President Pacheco, Preacher Dave, the Wildcat staff and Michael could all go to Gentle Ben's and top off the afternoon with pints of beers. A jolly good time for all! Imagine the conversations!
By the way, to celebrate Prince Michael's visit, the Fiddlee Fig has made this Great British Foods week. We'd like to point out that "great British food" is an oxymoron. On the Fig's menu is cottage pie, beer and sausage casserole, finnan haddock in milk and sausage bars. Sausage bars? Our stomachs are churning at the mere mention of these entrees.
We give Michael a hearty Tucsonan "Yee-haw" and hope that he is wearing sunscreen. We pray that the tense UK-Arizona relationship is defused by the visit. Maybe he might even give us the lost Monty Python tapes.