ARIES: (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Your little scheme involving a gnome, a ball of twine and three wild geese is doomed to fail.
TAURUS: (Apr. 20-May 20) This week you feel invisible hands around your neck. Don't worry though, you'll really dig it.
GEMINI: (May 21-June 21) Look carefully at the scum in the bottom of your sink. You might find your salvation there.
CANCER: (June 22-July 22) A pair of siamese twins who own a laundromat in Wainwright, Alaska care more about your education than most UA administrators do.
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22) You will wake up tomorrow morning to find that an ant hole has started in your nose.
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Having trouble in your Math class? Take up knitting.
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) One of the machines in your lab beams evil thoughts directly into your brain.
SCORPIO: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) If you look closely, you will notice that each successful ASUA candidate resembles a different common barnyard animal.
SAGITARRIUS: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) "Tierra del Fuego" means land of fire. Does this give you any ideas?
CAPRICORN: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) One of the equations in your calculus book was put there by the devil. That means you don't need to know it for the next exam.
AQUARIUS: (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) A list of all of the people who are plotting against you can be found in the top drawer of a file cabinet in Room 411 of the Administration Building.
PISCES: (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) Your own nose hairs could be the perfect ingredient for a love potion to give to that special person you are chasing.
Kevin Jernigan was raised by a family of lemmings. Sadly, they are no longer with him.