By
Cory Spiller
The end of the year has come, and I've begun picking the calluses off the tips of my fingers. This is my last column of the year.
I'm sure many of you are thrilled.
I hear the College Republicans are so happy that they've planned a square-dancing and fresh-squeezed lemonade party at that Baptist church.
That's not true, but it's funny.
I have decided to return to some of my past opinions to remark on frustrations, accomplishments and utter failures.
On Feb. 16 I sat down to write a column. I was just plain tired of picking on Bush, so I looked to the news for a column idea. There it was, Ronald Reagan had broken his hip. And so I wrote, "Sorry About the Hip Gip," trying to explain my lack of pity for one of the worst presidents in our nation's history. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so mean. I bet breaking your hip really hurts, especially if you're 89.
But I still think Reagan was a liar - and a terrible actor.
Some of the responses to my column could be considered negative. One woman stated, "every Wednesday, I open the Daily Wildcat to the Perspectives page and I feel like vomiting." Geez, I wonder if she feels like vomiting because of my writing or my mug shot. In any case, I was off to a great start.
Near the middle of the semester, I became oddly sensitive to sounds. Sounds that I couldn't explain and wanted to stop. Convinced that I wasn't crazy, eccentric or superhuman, I decided to bring these auditory observations to the public forum.
First I tried to bring attention to the Bear Down theme song blaring from the Administration building. I thought it was low-brow, brainwashing noise. The administration heard the complaints and put it to a vote.
Oddly, more people voted about this issue than the ASUA elections, and even more oddly, the students chose to keep the song.
They were probably worried about Likins asking me to be the chair of the music committee, and having Phil Collins play instead.
About that time I was studying a lot. Okay, I was pretending to study and really scoping the babes at the Coffee Plantation on University. It was then that I heard the terrible screeching of some animal, bird or beast. It ended up being these damned boxes on the top of the buildings on University that are supposed to scare pigeons away. I went through many options before calling the police and reporting a noise violation.
They've done nothing, I am still harassed by the sounds of pterodactyls while I sip my latte. So, I called again.
To sum up the rest of the year: the greek system is still getting away with human-rights violations on our campus.
I am almost happy that Bush was elected president because his erroneous social and environmental policies will aggravate the American people to the point that they will have to stand up for what is right.
Weird things happened in space. We had our first space tourist, the Mir space station fell to earth and missed a 40-foot Taco Bell target - which means, sadly, that everyone in America will not get a free taco - and the international community has formed a committee to discuss the total and complete construction of the moon.
That's not true, but it's funny.
What I noticed most of all this semester is that political progress is most hindered by fear - whether that be fear of God, fear of change or fear of the unknown. Issues like abortion, euthanasia and foreign policy are blocked by the conservative agenda to keep things the same, or return to the old ideals and moral codes.
I am here to tell you it's going to be OK. Take my figurative hand.
See, I don't bite. Walk with me into the 21st century, when countries are given the respect to choose their own form of government, where dying people are given the choice to end their own suffering, and where women have the right to choose.
Hallelujah, it's Miller time!
