By
Ryan Finley
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Editor's note: After spending nearly a week in a coma following a run-in with IU coach Bobby Knight, Ryan Finley is recovering in an Indiana hospital and watching reruns of the Golden Girls. His only request is that we run his column. Comatosed idiot.
Comas rule!
Y'know, they say that heaven is a place where everything you love is. Boy were they right! Upon reaching the spirit-world with my guide, Joe Arizona, I was allowed to run free among sports legends until I awoke from my long sleep. Here's what happened...
...When I was in the netherworld, I saw all sorts of dead people. Joe DiMaggio was there. Although his final words were "At least I get to see Marilyn (Monroe)," he had a hard time getting to her. When I was there, Joe was still waiting for Marilyn to finish talking with both Kennedy's, Frank Sinatra, and the entire '61 Yankees team....
...Arizona's offense was there - supposedly it had been dead since the day of the NFL Draft. It told me to remind Ortege Jenkins that in the case of lost offenses, reincarnation is possible.
...Wilt Chamberlain was there. I tried to say hi, but as soon as I turned around, he started humping my leg! I guess he has a new record to set or something...
...Saw Babe Ruth, smoked a cigar, had a few beers. Sold him some andro for the Heavenly World Series. Anything to beat that bastard Ty Cobb, who, well, is playing for "the other team"....
...The Notorious B.I.G. was there. So was Tupac. In fact, I caught the two of them playing a game of one-on-one basketball. 2Pac couldn't stop complaining about how Biggie "murdered" him as he went up for shots.
...During my tour, I had to meet the big guy - God. Surprisingly, he looks a lot like Don King, but with more hair. Cool guy - said something about the end being near and Revelations or something like that, but I was too busy checking out the God groupies. (Insert your own "Heavenly Bodies" remark here)...
...Since I met God, he had to introduce me to the "other guy"- Steinbrenner, er, Satan. He asked me when Bobby, O.J., and Rocker were coming and was wondering how his favorite teams - the Dodgers, Yankees and USC - were doing. Stupid devil...
...It being a Saturday afternoon, I had the privilege to watch a football game between heaven and hell. Heaven, led by Walter Payton, pounded the Antichrist and his squad of fire-breathing, forked-tongued players. Heaven's fight song was kinda annoying - Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven is a Place on Earth".
...All in all it was a nice game - in fact, hell was actually kind of cold after living in Tucson for two years....
...Best of all, I saw my dead husband Sal, who said, "Sophia, I'm looking after you and Dorothy all the time."
Or was that the "Golden Girls" episode?
