By
Shaun Clayton
Arizona Daily Wildcat
An evil genius once worked here at the UA. There has to have been one who had a goal in mind to destroy the arts on campus by creating a Fine Arts Complex that by its very design works to destroy the arts with its evil.
For instance, look at where the Fine Arts Complex is located. It is near the corner of Speedway and Euclid. Euclid was the ancient Greek scholar and philosopher, author of "The Elements" - a groundbreaking work in the field of geometry, which is still in use 2,000 years after its publication. Speedway is a street filled with auto dealerships, bars and strip joints, and named "Speedway" because people drive on it as if they were on crack.
The keen placement of the arts buildings near that intersection endows them with an insidious subtext in which the arts colleges are learning institutions filled with slick talkers, drunks and loose women - a deliberate, but subtle, attempt to ruin the long-held view of artists as the cornerstone of morality!
The insidious features of the design do not stop there. Within the complex, it is entirely possible that one can walk from the Music building to the Marroney Theater to the Art building without even knowing it - a hot and spicy recipe for chaos!
What would happen if art students started to interact and associate with each other? What if a theater student started making post-modern sculpture? Or an art student started playing Beethoven's "Piano Concerto No. 5?" What if a music student started reciting "A Merchant of Venice" in iambic pentameter while juggling hamsters?
What would happen if the very laws that bind artists together were destroyed? Artists have a code of honor in which they never - never - associate with one another as they stick to their one chosen craft without deviation. Such an association might lead to creativity in the arts, and that certainly would destroy Hollywood.
Lastly, the main building of the Fine Arts Complex is a fortress that even the soldiers invading Normandy would have had a hard time getting past. It presents a sheer red wall of death to those who dare to pass it, with areas already in place for machine guns on the west wall. It is a building constructed for a time when the artists, already gone mad by the insane architecture, forge a standoff with FBI agents that ends in a bloody shoot-out, where tubes of acrylic paint explode as readily as people's heads.
It is clear the only thing to do is tear down the Fine Arts Complex, since it is clearly a temple of evil. Tear it down, and put a glorious new arts complex in its place, with a design meant to bring good and decency to the arts community. Hey, 50% of the campus is under construction already, who would notice another 25%?
