By
Ryan Finley
Arizona Daily Wildcat
After this whole presidential thing, I've made up my mind: I'm moving to Canada.
If George W. Bush - whose supporters throw up a "dub-ya", a hand sign that looks like they're flashing "West Coast" - wins the presidency, I'm gonna load up my Mazda Protˇgˇ and head north. No offense to George W. himself, he just wasn't my guy. Politics is just like sports: if your team loses the Super Bowl, you want to hide from the world.
They have baseball in Canada. They have cheeseburgers. It won't be so bad.
I'll follow the Montreal Expos instead of the San Diego Padres. They're both perennial losers anyway. After all, what's the difference between Lenny Webster and Tony Gwynn? About 150 pounds...
Instead of the NFL and the NCAA, I could follow the Canadian Football League, the one that made Doug Flutie and Warren Moon househo--, well famou---, well names, anyway...Go Alouettes!!!...
...There's a lot of other good things about Canada: Canadian bacon, Labatt's Blue, and of course, usage of the word 'eh' at the end of every sentence. If I could only take fish tacos with me...
...The Internet can be used for many reasons, most of which I'll leave to your imagination. However, I've found a great website: www.thesmokinggun.com.
Check this site out, fellow Yankee-haters. In a file entitled "Exposing New York's Evil Empire," some techies have found - and posted - Darryl Strawberry's arrest reports, Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez's REAL birth certificate (he's 34, not 30) and documents from a pending lawsuit involving a clubhouse boy, Yankees pitchers Jeff Nelson and Mariano Rivera, and ex-Yankee Bob Wickman...
...In the lawsuit, former Yanks clubhouse attendant Paul Piore claims that the three pitchers made continued remarks against his sexuality, at times rubbing their private parts on him and attempting to violate him. In fact, the attendant claims that Wickman threatened to sodomize the boy with a baseball bat, allegedly saying, "I'm going to stick this inside of you." I've said it once and I'll say it again: most professional athletes are jerks...
... I 'm not saying this lawsuit is necessarily valid, but it's something worth thinking about the next time Yankees fans try to play the "classier-than-you" card. What kind of people are these guys? These allegations - if true - validate my opinion that the Yankees are a team of bullies and has-beens...
...How cool was Antonio Freeman's catch on "Monday Night Football"? I just about peed my pants when I saw him high-tailing it into the end zone. It's a well-deserved win for the Packers, a team about as snake-bit and unlucky as, well, a certain local collegiate football team....
..On Ebay, people are selling "Bush Wins" newspapers for upwards of $100 dollars. I think I know how to pay off those student loans: "UA Rose Bowl Bound" sports pages would catch a pretty penny online, eh?...
