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Thursday November 16, 2000

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Period.... period.... period....

By Graig Uhlin

Editor's Note: In typical Hollywood fashion, the Arts desk is ripping off other people's ideas and parading them as its own. Thus, we bring you our own version of Ryan Finley's "Dot....dot....dot." Besides, random thoughts like these suit us MTV-watching, attention-deficit-disordered arts junkies, and if you don't like it, then read sports.

Two weeks ago, I made a venture into the wide world of sports when I did football staff picks - my experience luckily had more of the thrill of victory than the agony of defeat - and I simply couldn't let go. So now, in a desperate attempt to relive my sports experience, I am writing a column in the manner of Ryan Finley. So here goes...

...Has anyone seen my childhood? Because I can't find it. Reason being, horror of horrors, America's favorite neighbor, Mr. Rogers, is retiring from his long-running PBS show "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood."

I, for one, am wondering who is going to be moving in next door. Given Demi Moore's career path, we might just see G.I. Jane sporting a yellow cardigan knitted by her mother. Children across the country will watch as King Friday XIII shaves his head and does one-arm push-ups.

Mr. Rogers has been an indispensible icon of American television for 33 years. He valued learning and imagination and used his program to instill these values. Some consider him a creepy old man who still enjoys playing with puppets - well, actually, that is what I think - but he did do some good, I guess, despite his oddball obsessions...

...Speaking of oddballs, Melanie Griffith, star of the recent film "Cecil B. Demented," has just entered rehab for an addiction to prescription drugs she started taking after a neck injury. Ms. Melanie B. Demented was probably worried about the price of prescription drugs following the almost finalized election of Dubya and decided to seek help before soaring prices sent her into bankruptcy...

...Online music provider mp3.com is probably nearing bankruptcy itself after a court decision this week that ordered the company to pay $53.4 million in damages to the major music label Universal Music Group for copyright infringement. I'm hoping that none of the music labels search my hard drive, because I can barely afford rent, let alone pay settlement costs.

As a result of the settlement, though, mp3.com will have access to nearly all of Universal's music catalog, which includes artists such as Dr. Dre and Shania Twain. Soon their music may be available for download on the Internet site, which is great, because I would never pay any amount of money for that music.

And, if you want to hear my oh-so-humble opinion on these infringement cases (and I know that you do), this is a clear example of what happens when technology moves faster than the people who want to make money off of it. But don't think that I hate capitalism. I'm a proud materialist.

So, I guess I didn't learn that much from Mr. Rogers after all. Ah, well. Happy retirement, neighbor...