By
Chris Martin
Arizona Daily Wildcat
I had an epiphany while in the shower this morning.
With the Major League Baseball free agent signing period in full swing, I decided I will declare myself a free agent in the world of journalism.
As a young journalist, I have a shelf-life of at least 40 years. What major newspaper or magazine (yes, I am talking to you, Sports Illustrated!) wouldn't want an energetic up and comer like myself?
I won't not going to go to an organization that won't produce a winning product on a daily or - in a magazine's case, weekly - basis, though. So that immediately eliminates any publication in the states of Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Arkansas, Alabama and Oklahoma.
I also need to be in a large media market where my agent, Scott Boras, can find many endorsements to further enhance my bank account.
I am talking about shoes, a clothing line and my own rap CD.
I need the money, too, if I am going to floss my cars, ice and trendy threads. But before I get ahead of myself, I need to focus on a job.
I have exceedingly high demands.
I don't want any three-year, low dollars deals. I am talking the big time.
I want the money and lots of it.
Before I will even entertain offers from the owners of the various publications that would like to have my services, I have to lay down some ground rules.
A 15-year, $225 million contract is my minimum, if you can't meet that asking price then don't even bother blowing up my cell phone.
The contract is all fine and dandy, but what really matters are the extras, the perks - I am talking benefits.
So, for the few publications on my list - SI, ESPN The Magazine, The Sporting News, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune and the Arizona Daily Wildcat - these extra demands could greatly influence my decisions.
So here is the list:
A personalized golf cart - This would be especially helpful at the ADW, where those long walks back and forth to McKale Center seem to aggravate my arthritic knee. The golf cart must have a diamond encrusted 'CM' on the hood and a great sound system so I could bump my U2.
Tinted windows would also be nice so I could keep all those journalism groupies away.
A laptop computer - This is where the big boys like the Post and Trib jump in. I don't ever want to have to rent a computer like I had to last weekend in Maui. My computer should have free access to ESPN fantasy football, basketball and baseball from me and all my boys.
My own online column - I want this to be something like Peter Gammons Notes on ESPN.com. Whoever employs me better give me the opportunity to do my daily rants and raves. This should be highly publicized in magazines, on billboards, hell, I even want it on the sides of buses. The advertisements should also have a big mug of me.
Respect and a comfy chair - I don't want upper management telling me what to do. Enough of that, they should realize that I am the man and let me do my business. The Pope didn't tell Michaelangelo how to paint the Cistine Chapel. Finally, one last thing: can I please get a decent chair?
This damn chair is literally a pain in my ass.
So you have my list and contract demands. A journalist like myself comes around once in a lifetime, just ask my agent. All interested parties that can meet the requirements - start the bidding war now.
