Friday August 31, 2001

First Elian Gonzales, now Danny Almonte.

What is America's strange fascination with young boys from large, underdeveloped islands south of Florida?

I, for one, couldn't care less about Elian Gonzalez or Danny Almonte.

The INS could and should have deported little Elian to Cambodia for all that I care. But, Danny Almonte is a whole different ballgame.

Being a sports fan, I barely kept up with the Elian fiasco, but it is the "Little Unit" situation that hits me closest to home.

I devour sports on a daily basis, and now every publication I read or visit is infested with idiotic stories questioning this kid's age or citizenship.

All I have to say about this is BIG FREAKIN' DEAL!

Who cares?

The media is going gaga over some pre-pubescent little leaguer who struck out a bunch of batters in the Little League World Series.

We are talking about the Little League World Series here. This isn't pro ball - it isn't even high school ball, for that matter. It is simply some 12-year-olds trying to play in an international tournament that has caught the sports world by storm.

To make matters worse, Almonte's team, the Rolando Paulino Little League All-Star team, didn't even win the damn LLWS, let alone make it to the championship game.

Not that Almonte is going to be the next Roger Clemens, though.

Ninety-nine percent of these kids will never play an inning of professional baseball, and the most famous alum from the LLWS is Chris Drury. Who is Drury, you ask? He's a hockey player for the Colorado Avalanche. And although he's a good one, he's still a hockey player.

But back to Almonte, or little Pedro, as I have heard people refer to him.

This kid has more skeletons in his closet than Gary Condit.

Is he 12 or 14? Is he a U.S. citizen?

Hell, I am going to start an international investigation as to whether he takes andro. It should cause quite the media buzz.

The question of his age should be answered at some point today and is sure to make headlines everywhere.

Under LLWS rules, Almonte had to be 12 to be eligible to play in the LLWS, but reports out of the Dominican Republic allegedly state that a birth certificate

shows he is 14.

This is all a moot point, though, because even if "Little Pedro" is 14, there is little that can happen in terms of punishment.

The Rolando Paulino Little League All-Star team from the Bronx might have to forfeit its games in the LLWS, but big deal. They never really won anything worth winning anyway.

The team got more exposure than they ever dreamed of, and I bet each and every one of those players was happier to see himself featured on SportsCenter every night than he would have been had they won the LLWS.

Even if Rolando Paulino had won, Almonte shouldn't have been playing on the team anyway. If this kid is a U.S. citizen, then I qualify for citizenship in China. His mom can't even get a visa to enter the country. To make matters worse, he has been in the U.S. for 18 months yet never attended a day of school.

Hmmm, something isn't adding up here.

Supposedly, he didn't go to school because of the language barrier even though Rolando Paulino team officials stated earlier that he in fact had attended a public school in the South Bronx.

Sounds like someone is lying here, and I don't think it is the New York City Board of Education. I wish I were this kid when I was 12, because seventh grade sucked.

When Danny's father, Felipe de Jesus Almonte, was asked by the New York Daily News what Danny has done for the last 18 months, he said his son "has been eating - and he has been playing ball."

Nice job parenting, buddy. As soon as your son blows his elbow out, he can look forward to a career flipping burgers.

So, what is poor Danny to do?

First, and foremost, he should get his ass back to the Dominican Republic.

If he really is 14 as everyone speculates, then he is only two years away from being eligible to be signed by a major-league ball club.

I guarantee the Dodgers would give him a million-dollar contract for the publicity alone.

So Danny, do me a favor - go back to the Dominican, continue to eat and play ball, and maybe, if you are lucky, you can make it to the big leagues in about 10 years.

If not, I hope you enjoyed your 15 minutes of fame.