Porn should not have a plot. That's a well-known fact.

But in director John Bacchus' soft-core porn adaptation of the 1960s cult classic "Planet of the Apes," those traditional rules are thrown out the door. The result is a very hairy situation.

The film does have some highlights. For instance, there are fun times between earth human and primitive human while they're locked behind bars together. And Bacchus incorporates witty humor, such as an ape reading the latest issue of Prime-mate and two gorillas commenting that the crash of the earth ship could mean "more speeches from the NRA."

U.S. astronaut Gaylor, played by Misty Mundae of last year's "The Vibrating Maid," has a much better time than Charlton Heston ever imagined in the new film "Play-mate of the Apes" from "porn spoof company" Seduction Cinema.

The audience, however, will find the film even less exciting than last year's remake starring Mark Wahlberg.

In this rendition of "Apes," three lesbian lover astronauts crash land after they mistakenly hit a button on the ship while trying to disinfect each other's mouths for germs.

Like the three male astronauts in the original, the playmates journey the deserted planet in search of life and water.

But, unlike Heston and his buddies, Mundae and her crew make love underneath a waterfall in paradise.

There they meet primitive native humans they communicate with through a perverted form of sign language that includes nipple squeezing and lip wetting.

Soon, the girls come to learn that they have crash-landed on a planet ruled by apes.

Once captured, Mundae is taken to the ape haven. On the outside it looks like the Taj Mahal, but on the inside it looks more like the basement living room of an Orange Country track home, fully equipped with wood paneling and shag carpeting.

Sets aside, the film blossoms technically. In fact, it far surpasses any other soft-core porn currently on the market.

The apes' makeup is surprisingly well done, and while the scenes inside the spaceship are not Spielberg or Lucas quality, they look fairly good.

Typical '70s porn disco masks the spontaneous qualities of primate love making, forcing aural fetishists to create their own world of erotic sound.

But the fact of the matter is, people will not be watching this film to see costumes (one ape is pink), the effects or the dialogue. They'll be watching it because it's porn. Sort of.

And there is not much to see aside from Mundae and lady friend Shelby Taylor.

Another major problem with "Apes" is that we never see a real sex scene between one of the playmates and an ape.

If you're looking for a laugh, then have a few beers and pop on "Play-mate of the Apes." If you need more than just a laugh to relieve some tension, try Mundae's earlier work.

And hopefully this spoof on "Apes" won't - like the original - spawn unnecessary, watered-down sequels.