Jessica Saurez

Iām not a lesbian, okay?

But what if I am? What if I am and I donāt even know it? What if itās like having a lottery scratcher you havenāt scratched yet, and then one day you notice it and scratch off the little silver boxes and realize that youāve been lucky this whole time and didnāt even know it?

I mean, maybe itās just like that, for people like me. Maybe one day Iāll be walking down the street, and Iāll meet the girl of my dreams, and bam! Iām a lesbian, just like that. Itās kind of an exciting possibility, this alternate life that I may or may not have, filled with lesbian adventures and lesbian Tupperware parties and lesbian western-wear days at Old Tucson Studios.

Becoming lesbian was not something I considered until a couple of things happened. A few weeks ago, my friend Lane gave me his more recent homemade publication, a self-made zine he calls ćStraint.ä On the back, he had reprinted ćThe Heterosexual Questionnaire,ä a teaching tool that educators have used to try to make homophobes a little more open minded. Some of the questions really did make me think, such as, ćWhat do you think caused your heterosexuality?ä ćIs it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?ä and ćIf you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?ä

When I think about it, heterosexuality could be just a phase Iām going to grow out of. Maybe Iām just scared to try new things. I used to be scared of riding roller coasters, and now I ride them all the time. And maybe my heterosexuality is just something that happened, like my speaking English. My parents speak English, their friends speak English, so I do; and itās the only language I know how to speak. Maybe itās time I learn to speak French.

A few nights ago my friend Jennifer told me her co-workers asked her if she is a lesbian. She always replied, ćnot yet.ä She meant that she isnāt now ÷ but who knows? She could be a lesbian tomorrow, or the next day, or next year if she met the right girl.

So maybe all she needs, and all I need, is a good gay lover. But first I would have to be attracted to the girl. And even though Iām open to the idea of winning the lottery, I just canāt imagine spending time scratching all those losing lottery scratchers. I mean, Iād have to go through a lot of girls Iām not even attracted to in order to find the one thatās going to do it for me. Thatās hard enough to do with boys, and Iām already attracted to them. I just donāt think I could be that lucky with my own sex. Iād have to meet the most amazing girl in the world, and Iād have to have everything in common with her to even consider abandoning my constrictive heterosexual ways. Basically, sheād have to be me. If I could find a girl just like me, I think Iād be lesbian in a minute. We could go shopping together, share clothes, go see the same bands and help each other get ready to go out. I spend all this time with me anyway; I might as well get some good love from someone who knows the equipment as well as I do. But I donāt know if all this dating-someone-just-like-me would make me a real lesbian, or just a narcissist. Maybe Iād be feeling so lucky I wouldnāt even care.