Illustration by Cody Angell

From ÎPeopleâs Courtâ to ÎGirls Gone Wild,â a residence hall preview

Living in the residence halls is an adventure ÷ from dealing with loud music while youâre studying and keeping your roommate from force-feeding you ăElimidateä to finding out how many people are stuck in the elevator you took yesterday.

Much of the point of this column on dorm life was to debunk Residence Lifeâs recommendations, but after reviewing them again Iâve come to the conclusion that they are actually very much practical.

The halls are safe, for example, as long as Res Lifeâs rules are followed.

Donât let unescorted guests in, and so on. There was problem with this last year, which led to a couple of perverts who didnât live in the hall sneaking into some dorm showers.

Translation: Donât hold the door open for the guy who looks like heâs 50. He doesnât live in the dorms.

There was actually a series of thefts last year in one of the dorms, apparently done by an insider, so donât leave the door unlocked when you are away for a while.

The next big thing on your mind is probably that you are freaking out that your roommate could be a freak. Remember, just like other territorial animals, your roommate is as afraid of you as you are of him or her ÷ even more so if you never leave the room.

But most problems tend to work themselves out. Like if your roommate is one of those ÷ letâs call them what they are ÷ losers, who watches ăSurvivor,ä ăElimidate ăor ăPeopleâs Courtä every time it is on, make yourself scarce instead of fighting a pointless battle. If something very rare happens, like your roommate comes home drunker than an America West pilot and trashes the place, the Res Life regime might be inclined to do something drastic, like give you a new roomie in the middle of the semester.

If you get stuck with a less-than-appealing roommate ÷ or even if you donât ÷ you can escape into the ăcommunityä that the dorms offer. Get a card game going with the people on your floor or wing, or get involved in the halls somehow. Just donât go nuts. Some people canât handle being on their own in the halls.

One guy I know said, ăMan I need to start going to class. Last semester my GPA was 0.8.ä

Another guy in one of my classes was up all night once because he downloaded ăGirls Gone Wildä and apparently liked it a lot ÷ enough to announce to the class, at least.

Also, do things that you could do when you are forced (or go peacefully) into apartments, but really wonât ÷ like go to the library at 3 a.m. or to the Student Recreation Center when the basketball courts arenât taken up by walk-on rejects. Plus, since you donât need to shower at the Rec Center because you live on campus, you donât need to buy the soap-on-a-rope.

Now that soap-on-a-rope is crossed off the list, you can start prioritizing what to bring to campus. Everything you bring you not only have to lug here, but you also have to store and take back. It might be hot, but you donât need a fan until winter. At the UA dorms, they have only two temperature settings: freezing and sweltering. When it is triple digits outside, it is colder than Ted Williamâs head inside.

Another thing to leave at home: the bike. When I was getting ready to come to UA, all I heard was about how everyone has bicycles; but by the time you find yours, unlock it, ride over, find a place for it and lock it up, you might as well have walked. I mean if youâre Lance Armstrong, bring a bike ÷ but every dorm is, like, 10 minutes from every building.

Finally, the Housing Guide says you should bring a laptop, but if you got a desktop for graduation or something, you donât need to run out and buy a laptop. You donât need portability. You live on campus. And since a number of classrooms donât have ports, you canât count on going online during one of those classes everyone hates, like English composition. It does buy you some space on your desk, but in a lot of halls, that amount of space doesnât matter. Just check out the virtual tours on http://life.arizona.edu to see how much space you have.

Some doâs and donâts for your first year in collge

Incoming freshman? Moving into the dorms? Already feeling cabin fever setting in?

I hear ya. Been there, done that. But really, it wonât be that bad. Here are some obvious and not-so-obvious things to keep in mind when youâre settling in next month:

Do: Plan on eating out. Put a lot of money on your CatCard if you go with one of those All-Aboard meal plans. Of course, in terms of food, it wonât matter how much your folks give you at the beginning of the semester. Youâll need more.

Donât: Buy a lot of stuff from the grocery store at one time, unless you have connections and manage to get a refrigerator more than two feet high.

Duh: Expect to gain weight. College and fast food go together like sorority girls and sports cars with license plate frames that say, ăYield to the princess.ä

Do: Draw up and sign a contract with basic terms that you and your roommate agree to (if your dorm doesnât provide you with one). Not that youâll ever actually go back and look at it, but itâs just a good way to discover some of your roommateâs basic living preferences ÷ and a good way for him or her to learn yours.

Donât: Sing to music your roommate likes while he or she is present, even if itâs your CD. Itâll render them unable to hear it the same way again ÷ that is, without your God-awful singing voice attached to every lyric. And thatâs just not right.

Duh: Within the first week, youâll find out everything that pisses your roommate off ÷ including stuff you would never have thought of. Donât sweat it too much, though; if you can get through the first month together, you can make it through anything. Trust me.

Do: Anticipate thin walls. The only time youâll want to do homework or write an essay is the only time your neighbors decide to crank up their crap.

Donât: Be too much of a hermit like I was. Iâve never been the partying type, and while you may not be either, living next to a bunch of people you know from only a couple social events is better than not knowing them at all.

Duh: Get to know your crazier dorm mates too well, and within a month youâll be able to set a watch to your early morning dry heaves.

Do: Pick out a time to take a shower in the morning (only, of course, if youâre saddled with a ăcommunityä bathroom) and try to stick to it. I saw this as an unwritten rule to abide by, just so you know when a shower will be free. That way, you wonât have to constantly choose between being late for a class or stinking up the lecture hall.

Donât: Expect to have the bathroom to yourself. Even if you stagger to the stall 4 a.m. Monday ÷ someone will barge in at 4:01 and plop right down on the stall next to you. Count on it.

Duh: Your newfound lack of privacy will extend outside the dorm room.

Do: Study.

Donât: Do drugs.

Duh: Doing drugs is unlikely to enhance your ability to study.

Do: Get a part time job.

Donât: If youâre spoiled.

Duh: Working part time will provide you with a small amount of money, which can be exchanged for goods and services. Eventually, you may be able to buy stuff you donât even need.

Do: Apply for a parking permit if you have yet to do so ÷ the waiting lists are already exceptionally long. Get in now.

Donât: And youâll be sorry.

Duh: If you donât have a car, donât apply for a permit.

You still have a month or so to get ready for your dorm experience. Remember: Mental preparation is equally as important as packing your stuff. Who knows, you might like it. Or you could wind up like me and be renting an apartment by this time next year.

In all seriousness, it can be a rewarding experience. All your study materials are a short walk away. The high-speed Internet is amazing. Some of the food around campus isnât half bad. And if youâre lucky, youâll make friends for life.

And remember, it could always be worse: You could walk into the bathroom barefoot.

That would be a ădonâtä and a ăduh.ä