Illustration by Josh Hagler

"So, I think I'm gonna write about Homecoming this week."

"Oh. -(confused pause)- is it Homecoming this week?"

I had this exact same conversation seven separate times yesterday. Come on people! How can you not know that it's Homecoming? I can remember a time when Homecoming meant something!

Oh wait· no. That was Dome-numbing. Homecoming is a pathetic waste of time and money. Dome-numbing, on the other hand, is time well spent and on sale now at Fascinations for a low, low $5.99. But back to the subject in hand· at hand! The subject at hand. Hoo! Just a little joke.

And so is Homecoming for that matter. It's a joke, plain and simple, and I for one am glad that people aren't taking much notice of it. It's all very simple. It appeals to two very distinct groups of people that just happen to be traveling in the same orbit.

First off, it is a pathetic attempt for Alumni who are feeling old, unhappy and stuck, to relive their glory days in college and attempt to find some happiness in the past.

It is also a vain attempt to fill the frat-minions and sorority-drones that take Homecoming so seriously with a sense of purpose by using the idea of tradition to replace the need for culture. And they might feel satisfaction for a short while, only to discover later in life (though undoubtedly a subconscious discovery) that it has only left them old, unhappy and stuck.

Like fraternities and sororities themselves, Homecoming is a decrepit relic of the early days of college before the 60's came along and shook it all up. The times they have a-changed, and these institutions are still sheltered and frozen in this terrible, monotonous cycle of fake smiles, popularity contests and delusions of grandeur.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Zack, you might not understand this now because you're one of those bitter college students with the small glasses and the beard that hates everything. But after you graduate and can look back, you'll realize what this school meant to you, and you'll be so proud that you'll be dying to come back. Yay!"

I'm afraid not, my faux-cheery friends. I can safely say that this school doesn't mean anything to me.

"Boo! Hiss! You're a gloomy Gus!"

Whoa-whoa-whoa. Watch the language please. This may be a college newspaper, but this is a family column.

I mean· don't get me wrong here, I've met a lot of great people here, and they mean a lot to me. I had a good time here too, and that means a lot. And I learned a lot during my stay in Tucson, though not necessarily always in the confines of a classroom. But you know what? I paid for it too. I paid for it, and when I'm done, I'm going to go out into the world and have more good times, learn more new things and make more new friends. Granted, I'm probably going to pay for those things too, but such is life, and God bless America.

There is far too much out there to see and to do for me to waste time looking back.

After all of this ranting though, I am not going to suggest that we do away with Homecoming or the organizations that support it. I think that it's a nice way to keep them all out of everyone else's way. It's a lot like giving a dog a rubber chew toy.

"Also, you guys· you should all totally vote for Homecoming King and Queen. We've got some really super candidates this year. And· because, don't forget, your forefathers died for this country to give you the right to vote so· it's like your responsibility or civic duty or something. And also don't forget to 'Kick off the weekend with the ever-popular Bear Down Bash in Bear Down Gym, of course.' Hooray!"

Oh, my naive but cheery little friend. You are so precious when you're sleeping. Yes you are. Yes you are. Aren't you? Aren't you? Yes. Yes you are.