Nate Buchik

Perhaps surfing the Internet isn't the most valuable way to spend time. But it can be fun, and if you know where to go, you can maximize your time.

So I present to you merely a recommendation, one to be taken dreadfully seriously, of how to spend two hours on the Internet without wasting a second.

00:00

Realistically, the first thing you have to do is check your e-mail and write any emails. And you always have to cancel the mass porn e-mail subscription that shows up every couple weeks.

"Giant donkeys enjoying life with the farmer's daughters." No thanks there, buddy. You'd think they'd get smart and send something not disgusting, but still, it's always either farm animals or excrement.

So usually, after ignoring the e-mails from my parents and wishing I wasn't on all these damn listservs, five minutes have passed.

00:05

Now you should probably get updated on what's going on in the world. So head on over to www.theonion.com.

Great insight on world events ÷ OK, not really. It's a hilarious parody newspaper that everyone should visit for free online while they can.

This week's headlines include "Fox News Reporter Asks The Questions Others Are Too Smart To Ask" and "Rich First Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars."

Definitely browse for funny headlines and good stories, and pay close attention to the Infographics and "What Do You Think" sections in the middle of the page. You can even check out the Onion Audio Video club (www.theonionavclub.com) for hilarious interviews and real entertainment reviews ÷ reviews with surprising insight.

00:25

With a little more than an hour and a half left, I'll give everyone a choice.

Go to the site for your favorite band to check up on when they're coming to Tucson (probably never) and get some free downloads. I enjoy www.weezer.com and I recommend trying to avoid www.creed.com.

00:40

After visiting these sites and reading, it's time to really waste some time. Go to www.yahoo.com and play some billiards.

Electronic pool seems incredibly lame ÷ but trust me, it kicks my ass. Thousands of people are in the pool hall at Yahoo at any given time, waiting to strike up a match.

Search for pool on the search engine and you'll find the electronic version right on top. You can also chat while you play pool, so if you're using AIM, just tell your friend to meet you in a certain pool room.

Pool, unfortunately, rivals solitaire and minesweeper in its addictiveness and will occupy quite a bit of time.

01:40

How would you like to be on South Park?

Well, you can't, but try: www.comedycentral.com/southparkgames/character/ and you can use your imagination.

You can make yourself as a South Park character with eyes, hair, head, body, facial hair and other props. You can even make your friends! Or your mother! Or me!

Well, it's pretty fun for five or so minutes.

01:45

If you care anything about movies, check out www.rottentomatoes.com.

Here are hundreds of reviews on any given movie. And you don't even have to read the reviews because there's a "tomatometer" that shows if a movie is "fresh" or "rotten" ("Kangaroo Jack" is incredibly rotten, while "Adaptation" is damn fresh).

Look for the movie you were thinking about seeing this weekend, or see if your old favorites measure up against the critics.

01:55

With five minutes to go, try www.wildcat.arizona.edu. You can read this article online! What a trip. Or what if you already are reading this online? That blows my mind.

02:00

Stop wasting your time and go outside, you freakin' hermits.