Daniel Cucher Staff Writer

What do 85 percent of all Fortune 500 company executives, 76 percent of current U.S. congressmen and senators, and all but two presidents since 1825 have in common? They've all bent over to lick their pledge-masters' shoes while prospective college buddies poured Tabasco sauce down their exposed buttocks. We can also include 85 percent of Supreme Court Justices since 1910 and roughly 15 percent of UA students in this elite group of academic and social achievers.

But wait ÷ you too can be a part of this close-knit, nationwide network of lifelong friends united by the common bond of voluntary degradation. Here's how:

Step 1: Sign up for the two-week-long fraternity and sorority drafting process called rushing.

Step 2: Attend the greek-hosted events and parties, making your most sincere attempt to be attractive and likable.

Step 3: If you appeal to the members of various frats or sororities, they will extend you an invitation to pledge, or join, the house. You will appeal to at least one house ÷ or, at least one house will pretend to like you.

Step 4: Party with your new tentative friends.

Step 5: Drop your pants and writhe in pain as people who are rapidly becoming your best buddies take turns scarring your flesh and dignity.

Step 6: Now you have friends.

In all fairness, I cannot attest to the hazing practices of specific fraternities, and I know even less about sororities. I can, however, validate my remarks because I have heard first-hand accounts of fraternity hazing from several sources, including greek dropouts and, in a few rare cases, directly from active members.

As one might guess, relating hazing practices to outsiders is strictly prohibited. It is considered both a chapter-threatening breach of fraternal trust and generally too embarrassing to discuss in public. And because of the university's strict policy against hazing, the official greek statement is, "Hazing? What hazing?" then, in an undertone, "Quick, pound this beer while I drip hot wax onto your eyeball."

Those who rush must also be aware that the super-friendly actives who approach them and encourage their involvement will give no indication of, and may outwardly deny, hazing. According to one former fraternity member, it wasn't until the latter stages of initiation, when he was just on the brink of membership, that he was given the choice of abandoning his soon-to-be brothers or his self-respect. He chose to bathe in garbage and excrement with his bros.

Of course, there are varying degrees of hazing. For all I know, the lightest initiation may only involve relaxing to a marathon of "Family Ties" episodes while having your feet tickled with a peacock feather.

Without a list of each house's hazing practices to inform and warn freshmen greek-hopefuls, I can only suggest that they maintain an idea of how low they are willing to sink to meet people and cling to it like a frat boy with the world's last Keystone.

Interested freshmen should go to the rush parties and have a good time, meet people, and scope out the scene. They might also want to bring along a list of self-fortifying maxims like, "Under no circumstances will I eat, drink, or inject anything I don't normally feel comfortable eating, drinking, or injecting." And, "I am an inherently unique and worthy individual, not a clone waiting to be programmed." All the while, remembering, "There are countless social opportunities outside of the greek system."

For some new students, the greek system will provide precisely what they are looking for in a social life. I whole-heartedly encourage them to become active in greek life, especially in positive community-service oriented activities.

I only wish to caution freshmen against joining clubs in which the glue of friendship has mutual torture as a primary ingredient. There are better ways to bond with people than sharing in humiliating initiations.

As of late, the wheels are in motion to crack down on fraternities and sororities that haze. A few houses in particular have disproportionately born the weight of this newfound enthusiasm in enforcing greek policy. It all seems so unnecessary.

No one needs to take action against clubs that haze besides the students themselves. It's unfortunate that so many students are willing to subject themselves to such vile deprecation. If a fraternity or sorority wants to line up its pledges, douse them in honey and unleash a swarm of angry bees, let them. The pledges should be wiser. They should demand respect, not earn it by guzzling a boot full of antifreeze.