Illustration by Cody Angell

Bill O'Reilly: You're now entering the "No Spin Zone," here on America's favorite news network, Fox News. Our top story of the night: UN weapons inspections.

Reports have surfaced that the UN team in Iraq may not be doing its job. Just a couple of days ago, it was revealed that one of the 100 inspectors conducting these supposedly rigorous inspections is involved in an S&M club back home.

What's disturbing here is that he had the audacity to keep his sex life private. When you become an agent of an international body with the duty of fulfilling a completely technical, myopic task under the scrutiny of 99 other people with complete oversight capability, nothing is private. Sex, drugs, rock-n-roll ÷ all this stuff is in some perverse, unidentifiable way relevant to your ability as a weapons inspector.

Caitlin Hall

I believe this certainly compromises the integrity of the entire mission in Iraq. But hey, this show isn't all about me, or at least I get off on saying it's not, so let's bring on our guests and hear what they have to say. With us we have American Scott Ritter ÷ former Chief UN Weapons Inspector from the last unsuccessful inspections campaign in Iraq ÷ and an anonymous puppet we summoned up from the refuse of the defense industry.

Gentlemen, welcome. Mr. Ritter, we'll start with you. Now, we don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but you've been accused publicly by the people at one particular extremely reputable cable news network of being an inept moron, a disgrace to your country, even an Iraqi spy. How do you respond?

Ritter: Those accusations are totally false. I served my country as a marine for 12 years, fought in Desert Storm, and was Chief Weapons Inspector until I resigned due to ethical concerns about American intervention. I have never accepted money from the Iraqi government.

O'Reilly: Well, that sounds great, but that's not what our network is saying. Mr. Puppet, what's the deal with the inspections? Should they be shut down?

Puppet: Absolutely. We need to get in there and take Saddam out before he has a chance to strike. I mean, diplomacy first and we need to avoid war at all costs, heh heh, but diplomacy has clearly failed.

O'Reilly: What about those people who say that if Saddam were going to attack with weapons of mass destruction, he'd have done it by now?

Puppet: That's just hippie talk. The danger is imminent, and what we need now are people who aren't afraid to be patriotic, aren't afraid to stand up and fight when their country requires it. And if anything requires it, purely speculative propagandist intimations of hidden weapons do.

O'Reilly: I couldn't agree more. However, I'm sure our blithering pinko friend, Mr. Ritter, has a response.

Ritter: Right. What we need to keep in mind is that war is not something to be taken lightly. We need real evidence that Saddam Hussein poses a threat to America before we can invade Iraq with good conscience.

Puppet: I don't know about you, Bill, but all my conscience needs is anti-missile countermeasures on every commuter jet. Did I say conscience? I meant bankroll. Heh heh.

O'Reilly: Oh, Mr. Puppet, you are the living end. But seriously, what about those lunatics who suggest the whole inspections dance is a farce, that the United States is merely grudgingly going through the motions of diplomacy as a pretext for war?

Puppet: Well, I think you know as well as I do that that's just crazy talk. President Bush has clearly done everything humanly possible to avoid a costly and devastating war. Of course, he pressed for unbelievable sums of money, hordes of soldiers and the authority to wage such a war. But I, as well as my colleagues at Lockheed-Martin, recognize that such intervention ÷ "armed invasion," if you will ÷ is but one often-overlooked part of the diplomatic process.

O'Reilly: I couldn't have said it better myself. Ritter, you spineless traitor, I'll give you the last word, but I just want to say I think it's ridiculous that taxpayer money is funding these inspections.

Ritter: That's ludicrous. Taxpayer money isn't ·

O'Reilly: Unfortunately, that's all the time we have. Join us tomorrow, when we probe the link between prostitution rings and the Democratic Party. Goodnight.